philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
something missing 8:11 PM
i can tell atleast i am happy now because of my friends. like what GEN told me: why would we need attention from a lover? when we already get so much attention from friends and family?
i've got my DAD who's giving me too much attention and a person i could talk to about almost everything. i've got ZIEN who had always been there for me, give me advice once in a while, keep silent to empathize, laugh with me through problems (bebeh, i remember when we're scolded sa anatomy by miss maanyo. haha,) and above all who never judged me when i was in the stage of unbeatable stupidness and when i committed mistakes. i've got LULU who had always been there to listen to me sa classroom and sa chat room and have trusted me with her secrets. and my companion where ever we go and wherever the world would take us. i've got SAM and JOJO. the Terrific Trio. hahaha. who had always been there to let time pass by quick as if there is no problem to face. my ka-food trip. my pares. i've got SLIQUECHIC most especially GEN, to trust her problems with me too, and encourage me once in a while, and GELA, my lakwatsa partner (road trip kung saan saan.) and my happy-happy-mate. and i've got my online da-barkads.
(actually sobrang dami pa e. wag na naten masyadong i-elaborate. i know them naman e. i'll never forget what they have done for me.)
you guys really helped me to take a break with all the sappiness. you guys dont know how much love and gratitude i feel for you. but ofcourse i can not deny the fact that something is still missing. my mistakes that i can no longer undo. the person i lost because i did not take good care of that much. i wanted him to fill up the missing part to attain my, let me say: "nirvana." but i guess you can never really get everything that you want.
hai. this feeling is making me go insane. madness.
the only remedy for LOVE is to l.o.v.e. MORE! -by some cool dude
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
dysphoric and melancholic 8:17 PM
very much down right now. because of the things i've been thinking about lately. THINGS WILL NEVER BE BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS USE TO BE. you'll never be able to trust me again if ever we try to work out things between us. you'll never be able to see me the you looked at me before. and just the thought of it makes me so down. i don't know how to redeem my self anymore. i want you back but i'm afraid to fail you again. i want you back but just dont know how to fight for your love back.
maybe I AM LIVING IN A WORLD OF ILLUSION. wanting you back is very much impossible. i'm losing hope of having you back. this fight i think is futile. oh God, i so pity myself for being in this situation.
i so love you. but things are very much complicated already. you don't show interest anymore. it's tiring to think that chasing you will lead me nowhere. i was so hurt when you said that you do not know if you'd still believe me. it was my fault, i know, but try to think of it, WHAT IS MORE PAINFUL THAN HEARING THE PERSON YOU LOVE NOT BELIEVING IN YOU ANYMORE?
how am i suppose to redeem my self?
i'm so tired...
i love you...
but i guess wanting you back is not an option anymore.
i don't want you to have bad times with me anymore.
hurting you is like hurting me twice.
i want you to know how much i love you.
i'd do anything just to have you back...
but as i've said, having you back is not an option anymore.
i'd just look from afar,
try to know how you do once in a while...
love you with out anything in return...
just simply love you.
TRUE LOVE CAN WITHSTAND ANY SEPARATION. -The Witch Of Portobello
i miss you so much jay.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
explanation 8:30 PM
one of my friends told and asked me why make things so complicated? why jay and i have to end up this way? and why i have to break up with him? is my love for him not enough to stay with him?
i don't know really. but i'll tell and say this all over again for you guys to fully understand my IRRATIONALITY. i know it sound very paradoxical, to try to explain and reason out my irrationality.
so here it goes...
you know, sometimes LOVE itself isn't enough. it's not that i am doubting the capacity of what love can make us do, on contrary i do believe that love is the most powerful force on the earth that can make us do everything. EVERYTHING. even leaving the one you love because you thought that would be the easiest way to handle things. you thought that you can make it with out him/her. i also do believe that sometimes love can make you stupid and foolish. yah, maybe in other's view. and tends to make your actions vindicated, because you become illogical.
i have said that sometimes LOVE isn't enough because there are other factors to be considered too... like presence, distance, actions vindicted, mistakes, someone who could be there for him and for me, etc. ok let me blame my weakness, my thoughts, my doubts, lost of hope and faith and also my hormone (it sounds weird but sometimes it also play an important role and make a great influence in descision making.)
i wasn't very happy about us when i was thinking of breaking up with you again. why? because you were being unfair. i've told you everything about me and david from the start, even if i know it would hurt you. i didn't tell you that to hurt you, but because you deserve to be rendered an explanation. when i saw your picture together i was very much disappointed because you did not tell me about it. remember when you met her and made out with her you never ever mentioned her name to me. when you went back here you were already telling me about how you're liking her and how you just went back here just to say your farewell and planning that you'd be together as soon as you go back there. that time too i was thinking about david because he wasn't talking to me. alarmed that the person who had always been there for me when i was in trouble is mad at me made me go crazy. you just don't know how he comforted me as a friend. atleast as a friend. so thoughts came rushing in my mind...
why not be with someone who's near US?
why not give them the chance to prove their capacity and worth? besides how will you know 'til you've tried it?
i've said:
presence and distance. we both know that we can never always be at each other's sides because we're miles away from each other. you're demanding to know everything that's happening to me. it has been hard for me since you left me believe me. i've cried almost everynight. bianca was already worried and has already told my auntie who had been mad at me already for crying about it. but for some time i've adapt in the situation. and in time SANAY NA AKO NA WALA KA. calls and texts to keep us intouch. wala kang pagkukulang dun. you even go here whenever you can make it. but it still doesn't fill up the times that we're far apart most especially when you needed me most and i needed you most. presence was inadequate. and that is the fact.
actions vindicated and mistakes. i was very guilty when david kissed me. because i let him do that. i know for the fact that i love you so much and no matter what i do no body can take your place in my heart. but sometimes the things that you are not used in handling can really really make you go paranoid and end up leaving you shaken and losing your self trust and make you forget the things you usually are very sure with. i was sure that i love you soo much, but after the kiss, it made me think like crazy on how i was very still to let him do that even if i love you soo much, it made me weak, lost my confidence, i had no face to show you, made me very ashamed of what happend. i needed you that time to save me in the situation, but i found my self drowning in the state i never liked being involved.
i know EVRYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED IS MY FAULT...
i get that already.
i do not expect you guys to understand me because no one will fully understand someone not unless you are in same and exact situation as he/she does...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
strawberry ice cream? 10:46 AM
awww.. he's mad at me:( i dunno why. seriously...
i dunno if it's because:
- i didn't get the chance to text him yesterday because i thought he was still using the other sim card..
- or maybe because he texted me that he was online yesterday and he waited for me..[if you only know how much i want to go home already because i really wanted to talk to you and my head aches already..'thanks to the stawberry ice cream it eased the pain a bit :/ ']
aww.. im so not feeling well.. he's mad..
just give me a reason..
:(
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
twenty-three. 10:56 PM
from now on i'll try to put decent post. enough of the schmaltzy and sappy entries. or maybe i'll put a bit of ranting to spice up things, hehe.
i'm suppose to be happy!! because it is my day!! it's 23rd of the month for heaven's sake. well, yah i'm happy. as in uberly happy, even if i didn't do well in my statistic midterm test, haha. i'm ranting now because of those people who doesn't know how to keep their composure. gosh. you could have acted nonchalantly. all i can say is that you really proved me that you're weak. it's so stupid of you to hit the wall and yell at everybody, even at me! when i was asking what's wrong with you. you even ignored me just because i didn't hear what you were saying the first time you called for my attention. so immature way to handle "irritation" and "anger". i just hope that what you do could make you less irritated and less angry.
admiring my strength? yah whatever. atleast i'm not acting "bastardly". don't expect me to exert much effort on making my self look stupid. i don't care if i annoy or piss you off. and why not enslave my self with my feelings? what for? to pity my self afterwards? nah. no ways. i'd rather be as cold as ice than to see my self become more weak. i'm trying to keep my coolness and have a full contol of my self.
i've learned that sometimes it is not the matter of surrounding your self with good or bad people or their influence that affects you. at the end you're still being judged by the things you manifest, and if you want to portray your self well, it would take alot self control. C-O-N-T-R-O-L. control on alot of things. see, we will not be into any trouble if we take control of our actions, take contol of our thoughts, and take control of our decisions.
oh well. okay. enough of the ranting:) awww.. i'm soo happy today. because i was able to text jay na. the past few days kasi i don't have load, waaa, im broke. haha. and he kissed me sa text. awww.. haha.. really made my day. and the nice thing about this day too is that i had been able to hang out and bond with ayes, beth, sam and jo. haha. and ate dinner at yellowcab. chalap chalap. in times like this. FRIENDS and FAMILY are the only group of people that can really keep you smiling and appreciate how fun life is. thanks guys!:)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
the nuisance of longing for you:( 11:02 PM
(i made this long long time ago, i just edited some parts)
i so long for this person:
the one who texts me every now and then...
the one who i can tell any, anything...
the one who comforts me whenever i feel bad..
the one who would always be mad when i go home late (especially gigs)...
the one who always argue with me...
the one who goes jealous all the time...
the one who asks me if i ate already..
the one who never fails to wake me up in the morning..
the one who always kiss me and hug me even in text..
the one who tells me sky limit stories...
the one who eases me whenever something aches..
the one who would always call me at night..
the one who always make me laugh..
the one who sings a song for me..
the one who always make me smile..
the one who talks sweet words..
the one who tells me everything even nonsense..
the one who made me feel he's near, even if he's miles away..
the one who really make me feel he loves me..
the one who is happy whenever i'm happy...
the one who tells corny jokes...
the one who had always been my adviser...
the one who had always been my supporter...
the one who had always been my inspiration...
my journal...
my family...
my bestest friend...
my lover...
(this one, i made this too long time ago na ren, just wanted to post it, i feel like reminiscing eh...)
afraid
i’m afraid that you’ll come back,
coz i’m afraid that you’ll leave me again
i’m afraid to hear your voice on the phone,
coz i’m afraid to pine for it over again
i’m afraid to smell your scent,
coz i’m afraid to desire to get a whiff of it for second time
i’m afraid to hold your hands,
coz i’m afraid to look for your clenches back
i’m afraid to kiss you,
coz i’m afraid to crave for it once more
i’m afraid to caress you,
coz i’m afraid to want your touches back
i’m afraid to make love to you,
coz i might yearn to do it again
i’m afraid to look at you this way,
coz i’m afraid hanker too see you yet again
i’m afraid to hear your i love yous,
coz i might never hear them again...
waaa, im so being maudlin again, and again and again... i so want to talk to you... i feel so tired today and i think talking to you will be the only thing to make me feel better... i so, uberly miss you hon :'(
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, August 20, 2007
a text that kept me motivated all day long. 6:26 PM
"Jhoi,gdnyt.just wana
say, i really still am
inl0ve with u..dont
reply..tipirin m l0ad
m.nxtwik mku2ha q n
sim k0..gdnyt ulit.."
God, i am still so lucky. all i asked from Him is to be able to let someone know that i love him and maybe regain the trust that i've lost. in time maybe, i'd be able to get that. (positive thinking, law of attraction.)
i wasn't really asking for a response now. i just want to take things slow. maybe be able to fix what you and your girlfriend have, which is really your plan. you told me that you can not let go of her because you can not hurt her and you can't leave her that easy. i so understand that. just do your thing, i'd just always be here waiting. (yuck i sound like a "concubine" haha.) but that's true, i'd just be here whenever you need someone to talk to.
i've been trying to study, but then i always get distructed because i miss talking to you. so all i do is to look at you message once in a while to be able to be motivated. awww,, HE STILL LOVES ME!!, yesterday when i've got the chance to read this all i can do is to smile even if i wanted to reply i didn't do so kasi baka makulitan saken e. haha. but i have a plan of texting him this evening, just to be able to let him know that i am always thinking of him.
umm, i remembered darwin asking me, at the time me and jay broke up, why was i so bitter to jay daw. well, yah i was for saying these two stupid phrases to hurt him: (i'd explain right after each phrases.)
1. wasted three years waiting.
[i got to say that because i really thought that everything between us was over. you already have a girlfriend and i already have a boyfriend too, and it was so ridiculous how the both of us, most especially me, got the chance to move on that easy. to be able to forget what we have been through for 3 years. and i just cant accept the fact that you've found another which is close to you. (you might think i am one jealous cheater, but i am just trying to be true to what i feel.) and i am sorry if i've said that stupid words. if you only know how important that three years is to me. to be able to feel that i was loved by you.]
2. thank you for proving me that i just made a great choice.
[haha. it just make me laugh. now all i can think when i remember that i wrote this is: "was i being SARCASTIC" or "that is just so ludicrous". you really know why i've said that?
here read:
(it is from joji's blog)
***
AWKWARD. That is my word of the day.
Don't blame me. Awkward is what you become when your brother brings home a girl and you somehow find yourselves (you and the girl) alone. Now, I don't really like giving people the cold shoulder but I just had to do it. It was like, a duty to womanhood especially if your brother already has a girlfriend somewhere else. And especially if you know that your brother and that girl has been up all night drinking in Clark Quay.
What is more awkward is going into his room and finding them cuddled up on the bed. Ew!
I so super hate my brother for being such a b*****d. Next time he teases me about having a boyfriend, I would be honored to throw in his face, "Hindi porket malandi ang kuya ko eh ganun na rin ako."
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
I am not against love. I am just against lust and early infatuation. I do not like my friends having relationships now because I want them to experience the full blast of love when the right time, and the right person, comes.
***
who would be happy to read this? oh well, you were not my boyfriend anymore at that time, yah i have no right to be jealous or what-so-ever. then again i was just releasing my annoyance through words. urgh, i just don't wanna read that text again, it just really annoys me...]
so there. i'm sorry if ever i had hurt your feelings with these words. i'd admit it was pure jealousy because i was never been given a chance to be that close to you. so i just released my frustrations with these two very stupid phrases.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
rise and fall of emotions 1:10 AM
this morning i have to wake up early to go to mass with my dad, which i didn't do so. (the waking up early part.) because i got to sleep at about 3 in the morning already.felt really sleepy because of the ambiance. slow, a bit dull, windy and cold. really the best time to concentrate and pray, if you got enough sleep... but i'm not telling i didn't got the chance to pray, well infact i did. thank God for another day with my family (my dad in particular, we had a date, we watched bourne ultimatum after the mass (: ) but he was a bit disappointed of me for having to sleep late last night which i never do when i study. (well, i get to wake up early naman when i study, because i'm finding it hard to study when i'm sleepy, hehe.) and i also got the chance to thank God for another chance of letting someone know that i love him.
today i don't really know how to express what i truly feel through words. maybe some of the pictures could help me vent my thoughts. these pictures were taken the night when we were talking about "us". when we talked about what i feel and what he has to ask and say, but not really what he thinks and feel about me. to be honest i wasn't really ready to hear what he got to say about me yet. i don't want us yet to argue nor to hear his blames. if ever he will, which i think he'll not.
here are the photos:
[yah. the other part of my heart belongs to you. like a puzzle that perfectly fits and will never be able to function and fit with anybody else's. and i'm sorry for hurting and having it broken.]
[yah. i'd mend it if you would just let me. LET ME. i'm sorry for having to tear it twice. i don't really know how to fix it, or how to start repairing it. all i can feel is that... just give me another chance to keep it again and put all my strength to hold on to it and never ever let go of it and never let anybody take it away from me again.]
[this is so not true. i never, NEVER said that i don't like you anymore. remember we never really got the chance to talk when we broke up. maybe i left you for a while, but i never said that i do not LOVE you anymore. because i know to my self that i'd lie if i said that. like what i've told you, if you were just there right infront of me when i was about to make that stupid, stupid decision this couldn't had happen.because you were everything i wanted jay. and i can NOT NOT like you.]
[the truth is i was really really confused. CONFUSION. there was a great battle in me. conflicted. me and myself arguing on why i have to hold on to you when you are far from me, far from being real when someone can be there for me, person who is just right infront of me, asking to give him a chance. but i was wrong for letting him do so. because i know that i still love you. you were still the person my heart beats for. and no one can really replace you... no one, not ever...]
[i don't know why it has to happen. there are some things that really happens with out us knowing, or see it comming, but then i guess all of this are just a test on how i really feel for you, it just hurt me to see you hurt this way too... and hurting you was really never my intention, i was just in the struggle of choosing between the one i love and the one who loves me. i could have fought for the person i love, because the person i love, loves me too. WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?? but instead i chose the other and see if something else could work out for me, but i guess i took a wrong turn that led me to where i am right now. i'm sorry if i have to drag you in this situation, you have no fault in this, you have always been understanding and loving...]
[i know i have hurted you. i don't know if i could take the pain away or you can just let someone else do the healing. either of which, i just want you to be happy, because you deserve to be. i'll just watch from afar. see how you do. and maybe if not to be chosen, love you without you loving me back...]
[do i still love you?? gosh, can't you see? i could die just to have you back. but i'm not about forcing ok. FOR HEAVEN's sake!! the question is a no-brainer. xempre i do!! i STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!]
[yah. so i said that i love him so much. got no response. but that's ok. i can still feel you, and like what i've said i don't really care what you feel for me now. all i want is for you to pay attention and see and feel how much i love you.] You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Saturday, August 18, 2007
no room for malaise, just ecstasy. 11:30 PM
hmm, couldn't write not unless there's a burst of emotion... there is, i guess, at this moment.. but i'm not about ranting and being maudlin i think is over. not because i already got what i want, nor because i can feel that he still loves me.but because, i think, i'm regaining what i've lost and i'm learning to feel my completeness, thanks to my friends who have always been there to listen and understand my irrationality.
i'm uberly happy as you can see. i just got to talk to him. and i guess that's all i really needed. i don't really care if he belongs to someone else, which is absurd, it's not as if he's married already. haha. what? we're just friends... i guess? yuck, ok so i feel for him. ok, so i LOVE him!! so what? [ok, i better stop being a hypocrite!] ok yah! I LOVE HIM, and he makes me soo happy. and he could make me soo mad, he could make me soo jealous, and yah, he can make me soo sad, but as like zien has told me, i can't deny that he can really compliment my completeness. for short, he makes dull to colourful and inspiring.
aww, lagi kaming hindi nagkakasabay mag-online. ano buh!! i've been waiting for HIM! for FOREVER!! kasi wrong timing palage! hmpf... well, we talked about stuffs, not really about us in particular. he asked about david, but i never asked about joanne, hehe takot pa ako masaktan. i don't wanna hear what he has to say about her. i just want the blissful feeling to last.
what is he up to?? hehe, ang kulit sobra. we've been playing around with this doodles:) he's using the blue crayon, and i use the yellow one.
what is he up to?? hehe, ang kulit sobra. we've been playing around with this doodles:) he's using the blue crayon, and i use the yellow one.
[on the process, seriously thinking. being very careful of every moves. nahhhh, we're just having fun. i missed this. i missed spending too much time for him.]
[haha, malapit na matapos, and as you can see, im losing!! haha] 
[yah, he won. but it was a close fight though. i got 17 and he got 18. haha... man, i so love him...]drawing mode:
[wiwi? haha, i was wrong. it was a donut daw!! NILALANGGAM. hahaha. he can really make me laugh. i just wanna hug and kiss him at this instance!!] 
[don't ask me what this picture is. haha. i don't know where he got the idea. hahaha. seriously i got no idea what this is. pero according to him, it's a long *toot, hahahahaha!!] 
[aww, i love the person who owns this name. and by the way it reads the same even if you flip it upside-down.:)] hai. i'm so happy today. got to spend time with my father. got to talk to my friends, even if i kind of ditched them because we were suppose to go to alabang town today, but because of the heavy rain and since jay is online, duh, i wouldn't change that for anything else. waaa, and i kind of turned down my dad nga ren e, because he was forcing me to watch bourne ultimatum but because i was talking to jay, i told him that we could like watch it tommorow nalang.:)
you don't know how much you made my day today. haha. even if i was feeling kind of dizzy for some reason i don't know. you served as my placebo. wakeke. hope i can still chat with you tomorrow.
goodnight y'all!:) have a pleasant dreams!:)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Friday, August 17, 2007
apologies are futile 3:41 PM
[i just read joanne's blog:]
***
i never meant na saktan ko na kahit na sino, especially jhoi...
i guess natakot lang ako and all, that i initiated the bitchiness with "please move on, cuz we are"
a pretty dumb move... pero kahit na sinong babae na nandito sa position ko would feel me
and PROBABLY gawin din yun. bakit? kase like i told Julez...
na mahirap being in my position na you dated me tapos iniwan mo ko sa ere
na bumalik ka dun to only say "goodbye" pero nagka balikan kayo.
bumalik ka dito at gusto mo kong maging kaibigan.
i tried to kalimot yung ngyare na masaket and i accepted the friendship
and so i became your listening ear sa relashon nyong dalawa...
sinasabi mo yung mga problema mo at ako naman, miske masaket,
binigyan parin kita ng advice...we hung out still as close friends...
and i was there whenever you needed me...
tapos iniwan ka nya ulit at nandon din ako para i-comfort
katapos i cut class para sayo...na may nangyari pa unexpectedly...
tapos naging tayo...natakot ako dahil baka magsisi ka sa ginawa mo at iwan ulit ako...
kaya ayun, nung nakita ko yung comment nya sayo, na paranoid ako...
hiningi ko assurance mo pero since hindi ka marunong mag "express ng feelings mo", hinayaan ko na...
masakit lang sa part ko dahil alam ko na matagal yung 3years pero sabi mo sakin nung naging tayo na
"hindi naman kame nagkikitang mashado so ano pa yun?"
pero sa nakikita ko bumabalik balik parin ang pagmamahal nya sayo at ang hirap nun kasi siguro kahit na sinong babae ay ma i-insecure.sinabi ko sayo na gusto kong ma work out tong relashon nato dahil bukod sa mahal na kita, gusto ko ren malaman na kaya ko ulet magmahal [at nagawa ko],
at ayaw ko na ulit mangyare yung sa mga past relationships na hindi nag work out.
masakit dahil nandun ako sa lahat ng times na kinailangan mo ng someone.
i ditch class para sayo... binibigay ko time ko para sayo.
yun ang mga things na natutunan ko from my past relatonships;
give time, pero sumobra pa ata yung akin...
i'm so terribly sorry jhoi [if ever mabasa mo to..which i sadly doubt she will :< ] hinde ko talaga intention na mag "away" tayo...through shoutouts pa... so so fuckingly childish of me :( anyway, before all this happened, sinabi ko pa nga kay julez noon na gusto kitang maging kaibigan pero baka masaktan ka lang... na isipin mo sinasaja [tama ba?] ko...well, if ever na okaye sayo maging friends tayo, i won't ever mind... sa totoo lang nung naging kayo ulit, at kaya ko in-accept yung friendship dahil sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hanga ako sa pagka loyal mo sa kanya.yun ang kinakatakutan ko ngayon na sa dahil loyal person ka, baka balikan mo sya ulit at iwan LAHAT ng ala-ala meron tayo; especially yung mga ginawa ko para sayo na NEVER kong ginawa for anybody else...kung loyal person ka, hinde mo gagawin yung ginawa mo sakin nung "nagda-date" palang tayo. yung lang... peace...
***
i'm not a paragon, i'm not INTRUDING on what you have both. but i can NEVER deny the fact that I STILL LOVE HIM.
maybe yah, she really loves jay. what am i suppose to do now? i texted jay yesterday. di naman talaga dapat ako magtetext e. ava and i were talking on how i should not be UNFAIR to jay. that i should tell him what i really feel than regreting at the end. because what if we still feel the same way, but what if NOT? well, atleast i did my part already, and there would be no WHAT IFs that would bother me anymore. i just really want to talk to him. i haven no intention of breaking them, or what they have. i just wanted jay to be happy. and to know how he was doing.
i never wanted to hurt joanne too. like what i've said i was just trying to protect my self too. and i respect her, because that's the least i can give. friendship? come on, that is too much for now. but yah, we can be friends sooner or later. i have nothing against anybody. i don't make a simple issue into a big deal. and yah, i was wrong, maybe, for texting and bugging jay again.SORRY... [mysorryisfutile]
if ever you'reading this too joanne, (which i think you are not, because only few people, close friends lang ang may alam ng url na to.) i'm sorry. i shouldn't be intruding on what you have. it's so stupid of me to say all the things i've said at my shout out too. but i can not promise you that i'd stop knowing what's happening to jay. because that's the only thing i wanted to know from HIM. from the person who mean everything to me...i want you guys to be happy...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Thursday, August 16, 2007
i am missing y.o.u. 9:53 AM
man, i damn miss him so much:( but then i feel so much better now. nakausap ko na xa nung sunday e. and i guess he's ok, even if he keeps on telling me that he isn't what he seem like. yah..so what's that suppose to mean? i hope his new girlfriend is taking good care of him. i so wanna talk to him again.
we talked about the issue of him comming back. but then i wasn't in my self right now. but even if i'm not me right now, God, the question is a no-brainer. i uberly want him back. i haven't moved-on. i still feel for you. i want you to know what i feel. but then i guess it wouldn't move you anyways. i don't think you remember me kahit isang beses lang. i don't get any message from you. but that is understandable. you have given someone your commitment. and i know you. you stick to what you say. and stand by your decisions, unlike me. i'm sorry for having to break my promises. but i still want to love you forever or if not, atleast for-life-time.
i'm so happy because you still want my opinion in your decisions. and i loved it when you told me: that i'm the only person you've really been honest with and that you too wanted to talk to me:). if you only know how i wait everyday for you to go online.
hai, your girlfriend is so paranoid di naman ako manggugulo e. i have nothing against her. pero the way she talk isn't very nice. what is it with her? kaya tuloy ako napapapatol. hai. how dare her call me a bitch..tsk. yan ba pinagpalit mo talaga sakin? pff...
status sa friendster:
joanne: please move on because we are.
jhoi: love is not a COMPETITION, it is ACCEPTANCE. -by some dude:)
jhoi: i still love fitzi
joanne: i know you still, (and called me a bitch on her blog)
jhoi: I.N.T.I.M.I.D.A.T.E.D?? or maybe T.H.R.E.A.T.E.N.E.D?? haha love where i am right now:)
joanne: hahaha! u sooo crack me up!, who da bitch?you?ouh..hahaha..rr-ighht...
jhoi: love me or HATE me,, i wont give a DAMN!!:) i still matter:)
jhoi: go on LAUGH HARD, understandable. because your face is HILARIOUS!haha, love being such a BITCH:)
yuck i don't really wanna be bitchy and all pero she provoked me. i'm just protecting my self too. i so wanted to talk to you, to text you, but i respect the fact that you already have a girlfriend. and that you love her. and she deserve to be respected...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, August 13, 2007
rest 3:11 AM
taena! man, that gurl is uberly lucky:( she can be with jay whenever she wanted..:( never ever felt so envious in my entire life existence,,:( urgh,,don't wanna expect anymore, it just hurts me. hai mistakes,, once done, is acceptable, more than that is stupidity.. yah, whatever. whatever. waaaa, i am so conflicted!! i'm so tired, every day i want to be uberly and exaggeratedly tired. because when i'm tired, i tend to fall a sleep easily. as much as possible i don't really wanna think of you because it just break my heart. haha, ang tragic ng ending. the one who cheated and dared to leave the other is the one who wanted the other back. i know i deserve this, but until when will i pay for it? for lifetime?? hai sana wag naman, i'd go crazy. i wanna leave him alone. pero other part of me doesn't want to. i still wanna hang on. but then i realized, how will i hang on? i have no one/nothing to hold on too anymore. he already walked away and saved and made someone else happy.
i'm nearly worn out. i'm almost reaching my limit. maybe, i'd take a rest first. and one day if i'm too lucky enough you'd save and repair me.:) hai, i can't wait.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Saturday, August 11, 2007
trying to keep my c.o.m.p.o.s.u.r.e. 12:27 PM
hai, every song in my playlist just makes me remember you. this life is so fucked up. never regreted anything in my life except hurting, and leaving you. never really felt suicidal in my entire life, but now i just wanted this pain to stop. i need rest. the only thing that is keeping me to move is to know that you are there, my friends and family are there, and wishing that someday our roads will cross again, and maybe, just maybe, you may get to feel the same way you felt before when you still love me.
i have 3 dilemmas:
i wanted you to know that i still uberly feel for you but then:
1. you might not believe me for every pain i've caused you. and not accept my love.
2. telling you that i love you and confuse you which might lead in ruining your relationship with joanne, which is not my agenda, or worst case senario: you might just ignore me.
3. NEVER tell you that i love you and that i can't live without you, and that you're the reason i strive and work hard. and someday end up regreting because i never told you how much i truely love you.:'(
but i guess, i'll just follow the third option. because i don't deserve to be happy, because of all the mistakes i've done.
i'm so frustrated. i wanna run after you but i can't find you anymore. it's just getting worst everyday. i need you jay. i need you!!
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Friday, August 10, 2007
cry your heart out, it helps, i swear. 2:01 PM
dalawang araw na kami walang pasok. and fuck this rain, it wont stop, it's just making me sadder than ever. one week mahigit na ako naghihintay para mag online ka. pero wala talaga. natanong ko na lahat ng tao kung nakachat ka nila. pero all of them said NO,, i just wanna talk to you. now i am experiencing what you've felt before. alam ko na. nakuha ko na lahat ng advices from my friends:
[zien]
dapat pinag isipan mo muna ng matagal bago ka gumalaw. but mare all you have to remember is: you don't need anybody to complete you, they're just there to compliment your COMPLETENESS
'zien i love you so much, thank you for always, always being there...'
[ava]
kahit hindi naman kami ganon ka-close.
jhoi: jhoi, you might not remeber me,, di naman tlaga tayo magkakilala,,hehe,alam ko lng you're friends with jay and voltaire, just passed by,, umm i was the one who cheated, and la lang natamaan tlga ako sa sinabi mo,,hehe,sucky,and now i'm experiencing karma,,..aion,,you take care too and keep on writing, you write so well
ava: haha sabi na nga ba you're jhoi. (: of course i remember you, friend nga kita sa friendster and multiply. pano mo nalaman blog ko? =) haha. jay and i have talked recently, halos pareho lang yung kwento. :c well, goodluck nalang, i hope your happy with your choice. i actually don't know what to say, because i'm the one who was left behind. thanks :D let's be friends.
jhoi: umm, matagal ko na alam blog mo e, nung binuksan ko ata yung ym ni jay you plugged your url sa stat mo,, i guess dun ko nakuha,,yun, napadaan lang ulit.
nag-usap keo ni jay? waaa,, ako ayaw nia na ata kausapin e, hehe, and i'm trying to be happy with my choice,, sobrang nagsisisi ako, i don't know how a simple mistake ruined everything,, i guess i deserve where i am right now,hehe, sometimes i really tend to be stupid,,hehe, sana lang narerealize na ren nung nang-iwan sa'yo na nagsisisi na xa,
yah, we are friends sinasabi ko na nga yung problem ko seo e,,hehe, feeling comfy e hehe,
have a great day mare next time ulit ciao
ava: yup nagusap kami kasi nafeel niya same story kami. nursing student nangiwan sa kin e haha. ayun, it's never too late i guess. normal lang naman na magkamali. ako rin dami ko nang mistakes tsk. next time we should think about the consequences before acting. pero ewan, impulsive ako e =)) hahaha.
hmm. sana nga narealize na nia. i dunno. kakapagod na rin kasi e. labo nga ng feelings ko, i dunno if i want him back or what. sige till next time. you tc (:
[sam]
comforting and listening to every single word i am saying. even if i'm so stupid.
[john jo]
for still making me laugh. and telling me that i'll move on in time. and all i have to do is PRAY, CONTROL, and have FAITH.
thankyou guys for being there, this has been the hardest year. i guess i've cried every single tear. and it's time to move on. all i can do now is to stand here. wait. and i have no intention of bugging you. hope you find happiness kay joanne. because i was never been able to do that for you. i'll stay here and try to accept the tragic fact that you love someone else already. but i guess i'll always love.
i was shaken, all my fault
you've changed your mind
we've chosen separate paths
but i am still waiting
hope you take a glance back..
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
please remember that once, you loved me. please. 11:51 AM
pota, i have just typed the entry title naiyak na ako. hon, (i don't care if you belong to someone else already), please remember that once in your life you loved me, i don't care kung may girlfriend ka na. i don't want to be your girlfriend anymore, i just want you to pay attention, and see that i still love you so much.
i want you to remember these:
1. remember when we text each other every morning, remember how it feels like, please. BECAUSE you are my FIRST LOVE
2. remember when we danced at gen's house and the sound playing is: more than word. BECAUSE you were my FIRST DANCE.
3.remember when i wrote you this last october?
hehe~ i would never forget the way you held me around your arms, the way you whisper on my ear telling me “PANO MAMAYA?”, the way you kiss me…the feeling of you lips…the way I breathe in what you breathe out, the way you place and rub your finger tips against my skin… the way our souls talk even if we’re not speaking, the way you filled the missing pieces of me again…~
(every single word i've written there was true. and hon, will you accept me back in the future when we've forgot what happend? if yes, i can't wait for that day to come..)
4. remember when you have written this:
~the love of my life
kanina,nagchat kami ni jhoi,natanong ko sa kanya,kung sa itngin nya magkakatuluyan kami..pareho kami ng sinagot na hindi namin alam..para sakin,hindi ko talaga alam,parang ang dami kasi pumipigil..pero,kahit na ganun,,gusto ko sya..ewan ko ba talaga..hindi ko maintindihan..basta hindi ko mapigil na maisip sarili ko na kasama sya at tumanda na kasama sya..gusto ko magkaron ng pamilya sa future..sana sya maging mommy ng mga anak ko..yun pangarap ko para samin..gusto ko magkaron kami ng magandang buhay..sana talaga kami na magkatuluyan..well,marami pa naman tym para mapagusapan namin yan,ayoko magmadali.gusto ko maging msaya sya sa mga desisyon nya.mas maganda na pinagiisipan ng mabuti mga desisyon.gusto ko maging masaya sya sa buhay nya..o buhay namin..anyway,nung tapos na kami magchat,tinext nya to sakin..
"just wanna make it clear,
ung tanong mo kanina
kung tingin ko magkakatuluyan tayo,.
d ko alm..
pro un n ung gsto ko.
cnt pic2re myslf w/ other..
kung san mo gusto magstay dun ako,
i wnt u to be the fther of my famly,.
un lng..
missu"
ano pang hahanapin ko sa babae,nasayo na lahat,,ang sarap pakinggan ng sinabi mo..promise ko sayo,gagawin ko lahat para mangyari yan.,walang makakapigil sakin.,i promise that i will be loyal and honest to you all the time.you can ask me anything and i will answer without hesitating.kahit anong mangyari ikaw lang mahal ko.u have changed me in so many ways.u made me a better man.hindi na ko bibitaw.hindi na kita papakawalan.iloveyou verymuch.
nung isang araw,diba sinabi ko sayo na may sasabihin ako?,,nakalimutan mo na yata..pero lalagay ko nalang dito..nakachat ko si katrina..tinanong nya kung tayo parin ba daw..sabi ko oo..sabi nya,,baka naman daw nanggagago ako dito..baka daw may ginagawa akong kalokohan..ganun kasi siguro pagkakakilala ng mga tao sakin sa pilipinas,,kung tatanungin mo mga kaibigan ko,siguro ganun din sasabihin nila,,isa sa mga reason kaya gusto kong pumunta dito,kasi gusto ko magbago..dito,sa singapore,wala pa nakakakilala sakin.meron akong bago,at malinis na record,o buhay.parang bagong buhay ba..kaya sinabi ko kay katrina,nagbago na ko,ayaw nya maniwala..pero,wala na ko pake kahit maniwala xa o hindi..basta alam ko sakin na nagbago na ako.., tapos,sabi nya hindi ba daw ako natatakot na meron nang iba si jhoi,sabi ko hindi..kasi hindi ganon pagkakakilala ko sa kanya..sabi nya nagbabago daw lahat ng tao..kaya maghanda daw ako..kahit daw may tiwala ako sa kanya,pwede parin un mangyari..lalo na malayo ako sa kanya,wala ako dun..di ko natuloy alam iisipin ko..pero alam ko talaga,na hindi magagawa sakin ni jhoi un..at wala rin akong balak gawin un sa kanya..yan nalang muna..ieedit ko nalang..may kelangan na ko gawin e..iloveyouverymuch nie ko.walang iwanan promise..
(I COULD DIE TO HEAR YOU SAY THIS AGAIN JAY...)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, August 6, 2007
spark of so little hope 11:40 AM
(when i saw that joanne wrote this, i had a little spark of hope. hopping that you haven't forgotten me yet, and atleast you still think of me. that's all i want jay. for me to know if you still think of me or you already have totally moved on.)
"I so fucking get hurt every time I see or hear HER name.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just feel I’m not good enough…
or that no one can ever replace her in your heart…
Sometimes I think I made the wrong moves.
But I still wanna give it a try.
Only because I have regained my feelings for you.
Do you?"
You are everything i wanted,
and more...