philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Valhalla 1:17 PM
Hey,
yes you :) :P
I'm surprised how you really write me those long messages! haha. nakakaaliw. so not likely of you. TAMA Mom mo! haha... punta na dito! haha :P Actually I'm having a hard time reviewing here because my sisters are all psyched going out with me, this week end we're planning to go to Knotts. I can't freaking study. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. Plus my driving test is driving me crazy too. I desperately need a driver's license. At grabeh namang 650 pesos! oh well. i know how it feels... at first it doesn't matter how many digits there are as a price of your food because you're enjoying but once you paid and the money is no longer yours... remmorse really takes place. oks lng yan. alam ko marami pang nakasiksik jan! haha :P and and... that pool you were talking about... I've been longing to just soak myself there. haha. dibale, we have so much time to be pool-hunting :) take care now :)
i'd catch up on you and update you later :) miss you :)
"Obligations never prevented anyone from following their dreams. Remember that you are manifestation of the absolute, and DO ONLY THOSE THINGS IN YOUR LIVES THAT ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. Only those who do that will understand the great transformation that are yet to be seen. "
...and of course Coelho struck me as the usual :)
but of course like any other quotations i oppose, which i think is very nincompoop like like...
"There is no sin but lack of love. Have courage, be capable of loving, even if love appears to be treacherous and terrible thing. Be happy in love. Be joyful in victory. Follow the dictates of your heart." tsk.
yada yada...
gooooodnight :)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I can't fucking think of a title. shit. 6:48 AM
To my dearest bestest friend :)
(naks. anonymous kuno) ittry ko na talaga magsulat dito kahit di naman ako nalulungkot. alam mo naman na nagsusulat lang ako dito pag malungkot ako e. i guess naka- adjust na talaga ako. surprisingly. ambilis solid di ko akalain. i'm happy here. sana makapunta ka ren dito. feeling ko mas magiging masaya. apply for visa, i'm sure you'll have 90 percent chance of getting one. the only con is that you a newly grad and a nursing grad... but what the hell, take chances! hehe.. pasyal kalng dito! haha. miss na kita solid. alam mo yun. haha.
... and so i've read your emails. haha. nakakatuwa solid. you don't know how much you made me happy. you know how simple i am. you know how simple letters make me smile like a bonkers. but you know how sometimes a shed "eye drops" whenever i miss. haha. so yeah. you freaking made me cry again. i'm just so happy you update me on things happening to you. i wish i could still receive more. haha. you know i'm always eager to hear from you. i'm freaking sloth to sit in front of my computer but i hope i wouldn't grow that hair you were talking about, plus i'm always out so i have few times at home to go online. nga pala, what happened to jo and cis? okay na ba sila? or still having snags? sabihan mo lang ako. i'd try to go online, or private message you on fb :) nga pla kamusta review? ako, i'm self reviewing, i don't know how far i'd go. haha.
okay. so for the longest time i've been here this is one of the few times i cried my ass, not because i was sad, doubtful nor uncertain but because i was happy. i don't know why you're so good to me. you're always there when i need you. there are times i wanted to tell you stories on how i am scared of how uncertain my plans are, i couldn't, because you know i'm trying to control my self from bothering you. but i know you'd be mad to hear that. i know you. as much as i wanted to hear from you, you feel likewise :) and i am always thankful for that. but you know how i'd spare you from all my dramas. hehe. wag ka mag alala pag di ko na kaya, you're always the person i'd run to, one way or another. you know i'd always find you and wake you up from sleep! haha. don't worry about me my friend. i'm doing fine here. babalitaan kita ng mga tips. and i am requesting for more letters/updates. i hope you don't feel like i'm not here anymore just because i don't go online so often. you know i'm always here. no matter what.
i miss you and i love you my friend :)
And to my dearest cousin :)
i've read you letter too. haha. sorry antagal. you know me. i reply late on text and no difference when it comes to letter. haha. you know me, i'm preoccupied with so many vivid things. you know i miss you. and of course you made me cry again. you don't know how comforting you are to me even if most of the times i ruin your day because of my mood swings. good to hear you feel more comfortable in my room and imagining how clean it is now that i'm not using it anymore. haha. i'm so blessed that you're right there now to be with daddy and jet. you don't know how thankful i am with you merely just your presence. i heard you were doing good in school too. hope now that i don't bother you as much to eat at night and all my favors you can finally concentrate, hehe. but you know how i miss our midnight kwentuhan and snacks, our movie trips, our singing-showers...i'd miss how i fight with you because you never fought back. you know how kind you are. and i know how good hearted you are and i know you'd go far. i appreciate how you write. keep on doing that okay? i'd love to hear more from you. don't miss me too much. we'll see each other here soon. so study hard. i miss you! i love you! :)
now i understand why your titas would like you to write them once in a while... i also request more letters/updates!
love you my bienee :) mwah
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Happy Easter Everyone :) 3:16 PM
I have been out for the past few days now. Just 2 days of tears, proud of my self :) I've learned so much since I've been here. Although I super miss my Daddy and Jethro and most of my friends.
I can say I can sleep better now, everything here inspires me. Sometimes I think it's not the matter on how you plan things, it's just how you work hard for the things you want at the very instant, the passion to acquire it, and how you value just what's right in front of you.
I'm happy because I'm not blogging anymore over some useless heartbreak. But i must thank because that person never made it hard for me. You must guys understand that i am mourning because of the doubt and uncertainty i feel at this very unfamiliar place. But I thank the people that surrounds me for making me feel that I belong here. I am satisfied because at least thanks to technology me and my Dad can still converse (Oh, I miss my best friend). Good thing I've invested more on my Dad more than anybody else.
Awhile ago, while we spend Easter Sunday at the church and Cheesa's place, I've never felt warm since I got here. What-a-wonderful people. I thought I would only be able to see people crowding over the piano singing there ass out having fun on TV screens, with all those old Filipino songs and English too coz the youth sometimes can't relate.. haha. But it can happen in real life pala. I just really had super fun. Nanay and Troy was the BOMB. Love this day. It was indeed a Happy Easter. I just really miss my Dad. I just miss how we'd sing together and just enjoy those classical music…
Happy Easter Daddy :)
Happy Easter Everyone! :)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Friday, April 2, 2010
I needed to write. 9:04 PM
i was pondering all day if i'd write or not, because no matter how i focus on one thing i always end up staring at the vast air like some lunatic. yuck. i desperately need to release this offing emotions. i'm at some grieving stage right now for i've lost my favorite person. I think still in denial going to anger… but most probably in denial.
today, as i woke up… i tried to do something productive, went to the bank and then went to DMV and church and ate out with my mom and sisters and as i got home, sat in front of my computer trying to study… but still can't stop the urge of writing…
so now that i'm here
all the hurtful words came running on my mind like: "so should we end it?" really? after everything that has happened everything i have given? really? "baka naman pa nakita kita mukha ka nang trapo" what? tsssss…. (anger stage?) haha… i know i'm far from acceptance… but i'll get there…
is this what i wanted to hear from you?
thank you nalang.
~
MARICAR's Letter For Daddy
(read it and for sure you'd cry)
> My TRUE Valentine
> <>
>
> ‘You
> can’ t build up a family without dads and moms love,
> caress them when there
> their watching over you because Gods love is within
> them.’- Maricar Lerum
>
> Well
> Philip Lerum, Happy birthday ! I can’ t believe I’m not
> there But , I’ m always
> there to watch you blow your candles and put on that
> beautiful smile even if I’
> m not there physically . I miss you oh so dearly . Its like
> living with no food
> here. Its like having no arm to write with . Its like
> having to watch a movie
> blind . It sucks not to be there and tell you dad ‘ Happy
> birthday’ and give
> you a kiss on the cheek But thanks to technology ,
> everything’s changed (:
>
> Dad,
> thank you for all the biggest and smallest things you’ve
> made me receive . And
> sorry for being a typical teenager forcing you to buy me
> this and that .
>
> I
> want to thank you for making me feel a dad’s true love to
> his daughter. For
> holding my hand when crossing the streets, Watching over my
> teeth and telling
> me every night ‘Nag toothbrush ka na ba?’ and making me
> feel like a princess
> everyday of my life . For
> getting mad at me , because now I know my faults. For
> always agreeing with me even though I’m so wrong (: For
> reminding me everyday
> that you love me . For giving me your warmth when I’ m
> freezing cold. For
> always telling me things the ‘calm’ way. For teaching
> me about God . For
> caressing me when I’ m out of my mind.
>
> I
> can write a whole novel thanking you for all the things
> you’ve done to me .
> But, I know you know that I’ m very thankful to have the
> super dad that everyone asks for
> .
>
> I
> can’ t imagine a better dad then you . <3>
> me and giving me Gods
> love .
>
> OH
> DADDY DADDY DADDY ! I love you so so so so so much
> .
>
> -February
> 8.2010 [Maricar]
>
>
>
> Oh
> what a day !. It was pouring hail today. My shoes were
> soaked with all kinds of
> evaporated water that the sun absorbs through the clouds.
> Pee, spit, water put
> together to make nasty nasty rain . It was atypical because
> I never really saw
> or felt hail .
>
> Well
> I remember last year the first day you spent with me. I
> remember it was raining
> that day and I didn’t go to school because I wanted to
> stay up late and laugh
> as you and ate jhoi told the most funniest things I’ve
> heard .
>
> Today
> , reminded me of that day because when I was at school for
> my hip hop classes.I
> called you letting you know that I wanted to be picked up
> and brought home dry
> so showing me you were a great dad YOU DID. And I never got
> the chance to say
> thank you for bringing me home safely and dry .
>
>
> One
> thing I always remember about you . Is constantly asking me
> ‘ How was my day or
> Kamusta ka na ?’ those questions belt a great bonding
> with me and you .
>
> Recently
> no one has asked me that since you left so now, I ask mommy
> how was work because that
> specific question reminded me
> that daddy always asked me this , I want people to feel
> that there loved and
> cared about because you made me feel that way , because
> even though my day was
> dull you still listened to me . thank you so much . and HOW
> WAS YOUR DAY TODAY
> DAD ?
>
> HAPPY
> BIRTHDAY DAD ! iloveyou<3>
>
> [February
> 9, 2010]- Maricar.
>
>
>
> I
> didn’t have the chance to write this day , but I love you
> oh so dearly .
>
> Happy
> Birthday Pader <3>
>
> [February
> 10,2010]
>
>
>
> I’
> m so, so tired right now dad .
> School is
> the biggest headache ever. I don’ t know what it is about
> school that makes it
> oh so damn hard .
>
> I’
> m really sleepy and I remember I would snuggle around your
> big tommy and be comfortable as
> clouds of heaven as my
> pillow . Now as I look through the bed I only see boring
> dumb ORDINARY pillows
> . Everday makes me miss you because of the things you did .
> The feeling you
> made me feel and most importantly to feel the love I always
> asked for .
>
> Sometimes
> I wished that the phillippines was just a doorstep away so
> that when I need
> you. I go over and tell you all the most stupid things
> I’ve done, just like my
> real diary .
>
> I
> miss you everyday dad .
>
> Buti
> pa sila jet atchaka si ate Jhoi palagi katabi mo. Buisit
> haha .
>
> [February
> 12, 2010]
>
> “Happy
> Birthday to you, Your one year older, and you look younger
> .” lol.
>
> Happy
> Birthday best dad ever . Since America Is one day behind
> Ill write this in your
> Original Birthday and also Happy Valentines.
>
> Another
> day to say I love you !
>
> Sometimes
> I wonder What it feels like to have no dad. And that vision
> not having you for
> all my years to come .Just makes my ambiance feel so
> horrible . That it will be
> impossible to be who I am today without your fatherly
> support . Holding my hand
> through all the steps to become a role model just like what
> you’ve showed me .
>
> To
> me you’re my dad, friend, teacher, cook, diary, maid,
> taga laba, taga sigaw,
> comforter, taga bili , my blanket and everything else I
> could imagine . To me
> your one of the most important person . Next would be mommy
> and my makulit na
> siblings.
>
> I
> can’ t ever imagine not spending my life without you . It
> would be like walking
> in broken glass and all this heart aching pain .
>
>
> I
> wrote you this because I wanted to let you know that
> without you, its like
> living without anything in the world. Ever since the day
> you left. I felt like
> I was walking by myself, like I had no guide to anything .
> Its crazy how one
> person can be a big part of your life . I hate the fact
> that sometimes I took
> you for granted, and I promised myself not to be the person
> I swore to be .
> Now, that your not here I’ m breaking that .
>
> But
> you see , Just talking to me in the phone telling me all
> this things about the
> Philippines reminds me that I have to
> make you and mommy happy , not always disappointed
> and feel a little bit
> of dismay about me .
>
> Mommy
> always told me that parents are a show of God’s love, Now
> that I know what she
> meant . It means the whole world to make you and mom happy
> . Its difficult for
> me thow because I have to make adjustments with my actions
> and its difficult to
> let someone you became just be thrown away . But, all of these are for the good of
> everyone
> .
>
> Dad
> , I love you so much and I know that actions speak louder
> than words but, for
> this case the only way I show you I really love you is by
> telling you in words
> . It sucks not growing old with you haha.
>
> I
> always try to look for this valentines day crap but, I
> haven’t opened my eyes
> and realize that my real valentine is you . My dad. Thank
> you for giving me
> life, for making me be who I want to be even though
> sometimes what we choose are
> the worst. I guess you made us feel the basic mistakes and
> consequences any one
> can make .
>
> I
> also thank your mom for teaching you about the world
> because you passed that
> knowledge to me.
>
> You’ve
> made a difference in my world , and because of that I
> can’t thank you enough .
> Youv’e done the best job as a dad . Worked hard for us
> and made us the greatest
> people we can be .
>
> I
> would blurt out a bad word but that would be un-formal,
> because your love and
> your guidance is the craziest thing I’ve ever
> received and I can’t express
> myself without that word . Los Angeles society sucks at
> their vocabulary. Now,
> I can’t express myself correctly hahhaaha .
>
> I
> wanted to give you this letter , and maybe later on write
> you a whole novel
> because I wanted you to feel special today and feel special
> everyday , I wanted
> to make you smile or even cry when you read it .
>
>
> Nag
> papasalamat po ako sa manga tamang Gawain na tinuro nyo sa
> akin . My life would
> be a mess and worthless piece of trash without you . I love
> you dad and Happy
> Birthday and Valentines day
> .
>
> Love,
> Your daughter Maricar lerum
You are everything i wanted,
and more...