philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Friday, September 28, 2007
give us a break. 2:09 PM
after sleepless days. atlast i got what i needed. but then i'm getting bored, i'm not used in doing "nothing" anymore, i wanted to do something. like shop perhaps? ow, and i'm still craving for coffee jelly.
i am uberly ambiguous. nah, i guess it's already a part of me. oh i'm so vague.
there are lots of ideas came rushing into my mind. i guess this "possibility of migrating to other country" makes me so anxious. i have to hold dear to every second that is happening to me. take a picture in my mind of what's been going on, may it be good or bad. and i have to settle and be in good terms with others, especially with friends.
i wanna read. read. read.and i'd be doing it by the time i finish this entry.
ciao for now guys. maybe sometime this day i'd write something more sensible than this. my brain isn't really working as of now. still regenerating the brain cells that i've lost for that RLE and computer thing. all i have to think of now is that statistic project, english speech and finals. aja. aja.
*wink
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
ohh-bedience 5:16 PM
missed writing. this past few days i've been very much stressed out. that related learning experience thing have been into my veins and system already. i don't ever what to go back to any community again. it's just too tiring and hassle. this is my only time to rest because after this day i have loads of things to do again. and this past few days, i've been sleeping so late, i even forget to eat and AND poop! haha. here's a trivia:
a person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
haha! good thing i got to sleep already. but combination of not eating and sleeping is more hazardous! so it's really important to sleep and eat.
rest rest baby.
what are things that has to get done?
- have edit my speech which i think is due today. yes today.
- have to finish that freaking homework in health care. how do you guys get the formula for the density?
- have to find a trivia about heart. anybody help?
- have to do my project in statistics. which i really really don't know how to start with.
- have to edit pictures for computer and think of an idea to make the whole thing.
- have to study for the make up test in microbiology.
- and have to revise that rle thing.
change topic.
this past few days i've been feeling down too. urgh. obedience. i know is a virtue, but at the same time. it's sucker! it sucks the hell out of your life. follow. i hate that word. it contradicts the essence of initiative and individuality. that is why i hate authoritarians. and that is why there is the word democracy to oppose it. and i want it. i want what i want. but i guess, it's not democracy at all.. because it has nothing to do with the good of others. so what if i follow what my heart wants? it doesn't necessarily follow that i could move others too.
i hate it when my parents make sense. i can not say "no" to them. and i also do believe that parents knows what is best for their children, but i still do believe that i got the last say. but then, why oppose the person who had always been there for you? and who always supported and only wants the best for you. so i end up following them. in time i know i could make my own decisions, and by that time, i know i was led to somewhere i really wanted to be. but the feeling at this point of time is sucky. big time sucker! and only gets harder as the time shortens and all you can do is say goodbye to every memory you've created. and only weakens you to hear someone tell you that he's/ she's not sure until when he/she could wait. when all you did was to wait too but failed some parts in the process of waiting. sucky.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
hope we are cool 7:00 PM
sleep read sleep read sleep.
i've been feeling the exhort to read books! i just wanna read. relax. drink coffee. go to barnes & noble and spend my whole day there. if only i got so much time. i want to finish the zahir :/
aww... not a very good day for me. test in all subjects (healthcare, microbiology, and pol gov) except english; because our professor did not attend our class. how cool is that? and i guess i fail all the said subjects because i didn't get the chance to study. excruciating. hehe. whatever. i need lots of luck...
but i guess it's still a good day for me. no irritating feeling. excluding the part when kuya nikko woke me up because our next professor is inside the room already. darn, wrong timing. i rarely get sleepy, and when i was able to get my sweet slumber already i only got interrupted by some bull****. urgh.
well anyway, thanks for the toblerone mr. ancel joseph taotjo litong *grins* zien ate a part of it, she loves chocolates, haha!
oh well, back to serious mode. umm to the person who i think i've been acting weirdly lately towards to. i'm so sorry, the gestures are involuntary, i don't want to act this way but i can't deny that i feel something awkward. it's just that i've been hearing stuffs lately and i really really don't know how to react on it. no madness or anger involve, believe me. we're "mares" no harsh feelings, it's just that it really feels awkward on my part. i hope you understand what i am talking about. i knew the "thing" for a long time already, and i have not felt this feeling before, i swear. we're good this past few days naman diba? i just felt the awkward feeling yesterday. it's just that i've been hearing stuffs and i don't know how to deal with the situation. just place yourself in my position. my friend and and the person that i HAD a past with. situation still fresh. to tell you honestly, i should be out of this already, i'm in no position to oppose neither of both sides. i'm just adjusting to the situation. pardon me if i acted weird lately, still adapting to the situation. and you do not have to tell me what you feel. whatever it is, i respect it, and whatever it is, please, i just want to be out of it. and if you are worrying about what i would think, don't be. in time i'll get the hang of the situations. again i'm sorry. and i hope you're not mad at me too.
don't really want to write this here, because i wouldn't like jay to read this and think of something else again. i'm in a very critical situation now. i'm trying to regain a person's trust. and if ever you are reading this, don't worry about stuffs, it's nothing. nothing to be worried about. everything is cool...
peace out ya'll :)
tangsinul sarang ha yo naujil :)
[korean mode. haha]
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, September 17, 2007
kill without any reason 7:50 PM
i'm not like this before. many things have changed around me lately. i normally sleep early and feel sleepy at school all the time, but now i don't (yes, i'm talking about sleep again.) then, i've been acting as cold as ice, i feel grudges that i don't know where i got. my mind is out of focus all the time. i'm becoming so jittery. shees. i am not taking drugs ok! hehe. and lately, i've been feeling the urge to kill. [now i know what sam feels.] yeah baby. [just follow what miss dizon advised, stab a pillow to death to lessen the urge to kill, haha!]i've been thinking of ways on how to kill and believe me i'm finding it fun. haha. haiz. [ok don't be so afraid of me ok, i'm still sane, i swear, i guess?] anyways, aww, i really wanted to be an assassin. kill someone with no reason at all. just to lighten up the feeling.
yesterday my dad and i went out to watch movie. dadi is a love. and we watched 2 movies in a row. [di naman kami sabik manood.] we watched Rogue Assassin by Jet Li and The Brave One by Jodie Foster. I loved it both because it has something to do with killing. haha. "bebeh! i really wanted to be an assassin!"
(SPOILER ALERT! don't read if you would want to watch Rogue Assassin and The Brave One)
anyhoo, back to the movies, in Rouge assassin, i loved the part when Jet Li and some leader of Yakusa? were fighting, love the blood all over the place. i love the bombings.and i love the wheels, so awesome [shees. i sound like a terrorist] but honestly, i've been really feeling the urge. i also loved The Brave One and at the same time annoyed, because i really wanted to cry but then i was with my dad so i can't do so, or else he'd laugh at me, and the funny part is that i can't look at the "sexy-time" scenes because it's just so awkward, my parent watching me watch a bed scene. nah. never mind. the sucky part also in the movie is that the boyfriend of jodie foster died, yeah, very tragic. oh men i wouldn't know what to do if that happened to me too, watching yourself and your boyfriend being beaten up to death, i would also seek for revenge and i'd kill the murderers my self. in faireness jodie was good in shooting huh. sapul talaga. hahaha. she's so vengeful in the movie, and really brave by the way, if i were her i don't know if i could go out of the house alone again, but on the second thought, I'D STILL WANNA KILL!
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Saturday, September 15, 2007
no please, not insomnia 10:44 PM
lately i can't really fall in sleep. i really don't know why. i'm not bothered by problems or whatsoever, it's just that i really can't sleep. what the hell is wrong with me? the earliest time i could be able to sleep is 11:30, which is by the way "forced." yep. i force it, because who would want to go to school all wasted and sleepy? and the latest time i could sleep is 3. tsss. some of my friends are already advising me to DRINK. yea yea, good depressant, but i don't want to get used to it. tss, never mind... some of them are telling me to tire my self to death, but guess what, that is NOT effective for me. i'd still wouldN'T be able to sleep even if i run the whole day. it just doesn't work for me. urgh, this is sucky. my body clock is not serving it's purpose. i just want my normal sleeping routine.
sleep sleep sleep.
that's what i WANT and NEED. pfff. and by the way, the sucky part about my body is that when i do something which is tiring and boring i tend to get so dizzy sleepy but when i'm about to sleep already, all the sleepy feeling just fade so fast. i hate it. could this be insomia? watcha think? oh well, need to fix my body clock.
from now on, i'd start sleeping early. aww, i need motivation. in this case, i'm not yet drinking any stimulant like coffee, just imagine if i drink one pah, haha, i just can imagine how i could not be able to feel drowsy all night long. aww, this "disease" is going to kill me. these zits and eyebags. suckkky.
any suggestion you guys?
i just want a soporific sweet slumber.
hayyyyy...
[tagalog mode]
aww.. andami kong namimiss. miss ko na yung classrooms! i don't wanna see the community "Pugad Lawin" again. sheesh. all we did today is non sense. wala kaming ginawa as in literal. we just wasted ink and paper for that stupid graphs, tables, analyses, and interpretation, all into waste. tsk tsk. those clinical instructors are so ilogical. they've let us do the draft without the final tabulations. how is that? urgh. pathetic.
ohhhh.. random thoughts, i can't write anyting with sense now. awwww, it's been long since i last wrote, and i guess the world have seen how mad i am with the latest entry before this [scroll down]. yeah. madness. i'm not good towards "you know who," but who cares? tsss.
*akala ko ba tagalog mode? tae... i can't be able to express my self in tagalog, it's just so hard.
why just write now? errrr. this is the only time i could write. love love love. after this entry i'd be writing a "speech" which has something to do with Values of Filipino Nurse In An Era of Globalization. thoughts are rushing in my mind, still jotting down ideas to be constructed. wuts else people? aww... i miss a lot of people. like zienee which i haven't seen for a while... errr. the terrific trio. wala pa tayo food trip and gala lately. i miss going to mall hahaha! it's been long since i last went to mall of asia, which by the way is just a jeep away from school. i miss mcdonald's float! i miss watching movie. hopefully my dad and i could watch movie today. hehe
i've changed the layout. enough of the sappy entries. i guess i'm ok na. i'm happy because because BECAUSE. wala lang! i'm just happy:)
ich liebe dich NAUJIL :)
[naging taglish mode, hehe.]
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
DO NOT READ 9:01 PM
sabi nang don't read e!
[WARNING! don't read if you don't want to see the unpleasant side of me. and if you are the person i am pertaining to, the person who blamed me for every crap he's going through right now. i tell you. you better STOP reading NOW because you'd just loathe me, and i'd just hurt you. but on second thought. nah, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! so go on and read!]
i'm so into ranting right now.
i have given so much.
i have given chances, time, and effort.
and what do i get in return? for every thing that i've done? i only got blames, problems, and criticisms for my faults and flaws.
you're telling me that i've never spent money for you? the question is, why will i? huh? have you spent something for me? did you even bother understanding me? nah. i don't think so. don't tell me, and brag how you planned about my 18th birthday, because maybe yah, you planned for it, but you did not spent a centavo for it. the money you've spent for it was my DAD's. so stop bragging. I DON'T NEED IT. i never asked you to plan for it! yah, maybe i sound so rude, but i think i was disrespected more. when you threw my stuffs, and blamed me for everything.
blaming me for everything that is happening to you?can you remember that everything that is happening was your plan? isn't that you're good in manipulating people? that you have thought and saw things comming? but have you seen this? huh? isn't that i've told you from the beginning that i love someone so much? but because of being such a persistent bitch, you told me that you we're willing to take every risk? SO WHERE DID IT LEAD YOU RIGHT NOW? i'm tired of you. you never gave me something i deserve. all you gave me is a crap. when i tried to work things out you became so overwhelmed by the situation. you went out with bailas, and i didn't give such a big deal out of it. you even flirted with other girls which i don't really give a damn. and now you're telling me that you're liking one of my friends. how do you expect me to react on that? to tell you the truth. I DON'T GIVE A HELL!! i really don't care! can't you see it? go on do whatever you want! you don't have to brag me that you CAN move on very EASILY but chose not to because really... i don't care! okay. disregard the fact that she is my friend, and that we HAD a "whatever" you call it, which they so call as "relationship". so set that aside. set aside the awkwardness that i feel because YOU have something going on with MY friend. because guess what, i don't give any concern.
think of this instead:
what would the guy who is liking my friend would think and feel once he knew about this? who is by the way, the guy i was talking about, was your so called "close friend." fcuk. are you even still thinking? oh well. i'm out of that. i don't wanna be involve to you anymore. actually to tell you the truth, i don't want to know you anymore. i can get so good to the person who does good to me, and as worst as i can get to those who TRY ME. you have not seen me mad. and this is who i am when i'm mad. all i can tell you is BEWARE. i could kill you through my words.
i never blamed you even if the things happening to me right now, because of YOU, is full of crap. you have never heard a single word from me. i won't tell the things that i've done for you anymore. you know it yourself. no need for elaboration. but because i'm still sane, thanks to my friend, i'd act as if nothing is happening. but from now on, i'd forget to that i've ever known you. why? i have so much grudges in me since things happen. and i can't take it anymore.
but you know what hurts me most?
is the fact that, i've exchanged the person who meant everything to me for a BASTARD.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, September 10, 2007
still too overwhelmed 8:28 PM
this past few days i've been feeling so drained out. i'm having zits as size as jupiter, eyeBAGS as big as luggages, oh crap. this community thing is killer.
tiring, annoying, but at the same time fun.
tiring because we have to walk under the scourging heat of the sun, carry heavy bags because we have no where to leave it for we couldn't trust anybody there. we have to stand during the interviews. and we always have to do something to be fair with others and we can not take a rest because once the clinical instructor saw us sitting and bumming around she will scold us to death.
annoying because we have to bare the very unpleasant smell, combination of the smell of dirty stagnant canals on which the children are pooping, imagine. just imagine the smell sticking to us, oh that is so tormenting. sweat dripping all over our body because of so much heat. stickyness of the sunblock to protect our skin from the heat of the sun, disturbed to get sun burn, on which by the way is so painful. having to deal with non cooperative people. we always have to be aware to all the scattered "shitting stars" or BULALAKAW as populary called, on which is found everywhere you look. having to deal with fierce looking dogs and annoying smelly cats. urgh. we also have to hide from our clinical instructor because one way or another she would just scold at us or instruct us on more things to do.
and fun because we get to know people. we're learning practically without the boring books. we really willing to serve and help the poor. situations make us think and be wise. haha. meet nice people who let us sleep because we we're exaggerately tired. challenged because our clinical instructor expect something from us. fun because as a group we really do things together, like eat, commute, wait for each other, help each other bring stuffs, remind each other, write, interrogate, and work together. yeah. camaraderie baby. hehe. and just laugh or smile when something goes wrong.
haiz, friends which are so overwhelmed.
not gonna mention names anymore.
urgh. think people. THINK! you also have to use your brains and not just emotions. don't be so caught up with the "magical" feeling. it's nice to have that fey feeling somethimes but never let that feeling fool you. be logical for heaven's sake. exchanging friends for someone special. getting into problems which has nothing to do with you. hello! ok ka lng!? wake up.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Thursday, September 6, 2007
ohhh please... 8:19 PM
urgh. i have given so much chance already. it's never my fault if my heart beats for someone else. all i can think about is him. conscious and unconsciously. i don't deserve to be called as "shit", tss. oww, enough of that. i'm getting tired of it. i'm happy on where i am right now. i couldn't ask for anything else. and don't brag that you can move on easily but you choose not to. don't say it, do it. ok? sorry if i was being harsh and rude to you. i am doing this because i wanted to keep distance and i wanted you to do so too. this is the only way for you to stay away from me. i want you to stay away from me because i already know who i want. and i'd do everything to protect and reserve my self for the person i really love. and besides i know you, you will never stop not unless i show you a barrier and if i show you kindness you'll just mistaken it for another opportunity again. enough of all the assumptions.
[lesson learned:]
be very sure on what you want before you act on it. think about it a million times. and never try something else when the answer is very OBVIOUS.
i'm ranting here because what you did is not right. now i'm regreting things. you threw zien's book on me and told me that i ruined your day, but i let it slip because i understand it was partially my fault too. i somewhat agitated you. but this time, it's too much. you have already proven it to me once, don't prove it to me again...
anyways,
for me and my friends who got a very dispiriting grades in all the subjects this semester of midterms, don't lose hope. i still believe we can do it this finals. just think of it this way, all of this is just a challenge, and hey we have to start from something low y'all. it's better to have an ascending grades than descending one, right? do we agree? and as what jay told me, it's not about how many times and how bad we fall, it's about how we stand up and face challenges again. WE CAN DO IT!:) i know we are all smart people of BSN II-3. we can do better this time, if we'd just help ourselves. we have to say goodbye to gimiks, bars, parties, and galas first. we have to concentrate and focus most of our attention and time to our studies. KNOW THY PRIORITIES FIRST. let's help each other in attaining our goals.
aja GOALGETTERS!:)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
too fast? 7:20 PM
one of my friends are going through some problem right now. it's not that big actually, i don't know if he could be able to read this but i'd write it anyways.
haiz friend, don't be discouraged just because she said that she wanted you to stop being so close to her, or whatever she meant by that. maybe she just wanted to take things slow. hey, look at the bright side, she allowed you to court her and she's making a big deal out of everything between the both of you, which means she cares for you. it's just that she has many factors to consider too... like as what you've said, she made a promise to her mom that she would not go to any relationships right now and that she is not ready to commit yet. just think of it this way, maybe you, asking her to allow you court her just came too fast. you could have enjoyed spending MORE time with her or maybe to make her feel that she is important, besides if you really LOVE her it doesn't necessarily follow that you have to posses her and be her boyfriend and all, but by letting her know how much she means to you and by taking your time and enjoy each other's company. you both are so lucky because you are close to each other which means it is much easier to show how you feel about each other. don't feel so down friend! hello, maybe she's just preparing her self to commit to you that she is taking each step with caution because just don't want to have any troubles when she has already chose to commit to you. don't be in a hurry, there's a right time for everything. and besides when you love you really have to be ready that ECSTACY and AGONY comes along with it. we'll get the hang of it.
in time :)
don't you ever dare cut classes again you YOU!
or else i'd KILL YOU!
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
if it wasn't 9:45 PM
one of my classmates talked about FAILURE. failure is when you just stayed where you have fallen. we can learn many things from falling... like the experience that you will never get from books and lectures, the realization after every failure, and the beginning of a new opportunity. failures makes us strong. instead of thinking that life is a struggle because of all the failures, why not think that life is an adventure that we have to explore? which is something that is exciting and surprising? think positively.
now i've realized that yah, i failed, i have committed mistakes, but in the process there are lot's of things i have learned from, things became clear and things became sure, you tend to know your self more by determining your capabilities and limitations. there are also many realizations. like as for me, if it wasn't for this failure i would not know how much i really love you and how much you are important to me...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Monday, September 3, 2007
i want my book back. 6:14 PM
this day is fine. no, actually it was GOOD. why? because i saw classmates that i missed for three days, i got a grade of 84 in statistics, hey, that's high enough already. i was expecting a line of seven grade. i flunk my midterm exam ok. i only got a raw score of 24 over 60, how cool is that? everything was ok until i lost my book. tss... awww, i love that book even if it's ripped off already. my microbiology book! i want it back! i feel so mad. never ever entrust your belongings to other people, they will never make it as their PRIORITY. they would just leave it somewhere and never take responsibility for losing it. i just want my book back!
well anyway. ever felt the feeling of having to conceal what you truly feel. act and pretend as if nothing is happening? yah. i know, it SUCKS! big time. you have to show everybody that you're a-ok even if deep down you would just want to break down and cry your heart out. sucky.
(conversation with my mom)
marlyn1564: hello ms. Beautiful
marlyn1564: how are you doin
jhoi_gitsa: heyness
jhoi_gitsa: im good
marlyn1564: no you,re not i can sense
marlyn1564: wasup baby
jhoi_gitsa: hehe
jhoi_gitsa: huala
see what i am talking about?!oh well, urgh, don't know where mom's get that clairvoyant ability. amazing huh? but still you have to act as strong as you can be, but sometimes you also have to be true to what you feel. i know it's contradicting but i guess we'll get the hang of it.
(continuation of our conversation)
marlyn1564: for you not to get HURT don't fall inlove yet
marlyn1564: let them fall in love with you
jhoi_gitsa: hehe.. yah nga..e kaso may nagsstand out e.
marlyn1564: anyway am not worried about dat coz from there you'll grow
marlyn1564: love you
marlyn1564: don't be silly baby take things easy
jhoi_gitsa: i know
marlyn1564: i emailed you something
marlyn1564: try to take a look
jhoi_gitsa: chcheck ko
marlyn1564: alis na ako baby
marlyn1564: wrk na ako
marlyn1564: bye love you all
jhoi_gitsa: ok ok
jhoi_gitsa: bye
jhoi_gitsa: yngat
jhoi_gitsa: love you mama
(e-mailed message from my mom)
To my beautiful lady,
I know what are you going through right now. Am sad because it is painful but am happy as well, because it's the start of growing..BE STRONG and take it easy. I wanna share you what I read about falling.. when Jesus fall the 1st time he said "Do not be discourage for I the Lord your God, am with you"...the 2nd time He said "Happy is the person who remains faithful in times of trials..." 3rd time he said "Those who trust in Lord will be renewed with strength." You are silent but I can sense what's in your heart and mind.. that's a mother instinct..That's how to fall in love, but if you don't want PAIN THE SECRET IS NOT TO FALL IN LOVE OKEY... TAWA KA NAMAN DYAN... DAMI NYAN D2. I Love You
we all need motivating words to keep us going, and i'm thankful that my mom is there to give one. mothers i love
most especially my mommy! i love you mah :)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Saturday, September 1, 2007
second step for both of us 5:52 PM
"i'm loving the feeling of loving you and i don't want to step out of my comfort zone yet." i've taken so much risk, i even lost you twice and i haven't recovered yet from all the things that i've lost. i have no plans of moving yet...
your second step is to WAIT, and since i am sure of my feelings already, i have to prove it to you. and for my second step as you've suggested me, we'll see if this feeling would last or fade. this is the best way to handle our situation. let's take things slow. we have so much time. i guess...
awww. namromroblema ako. yoko pa punta states. i still want to see you. but i have no choice but to follow my parents. if ever i'd stay this december there for good, i really don't know when i could be able to see you again. i'm so scared when i'm far from you. if you only know... hai. mahaba habang hintayan nanaman to...
***
ex-girlfriend
i have been a very LOUSY girlfriend. why?
because:
- i forget to text you sometimes, to ask how you were doing.
- i asked for more when you gave me too much.
- i am very hard headed
- i've not tried to let you meet my dad because i was so afraid that he'd be mad.
- i've never been able to be there for you and yet i ask you to be here more often. tss.
- i've doubted your love for me when i was the one who left you.
i don't know what i did more besides all these. no wonder you've been so fed up that you don't want any of me anymore.
i'm sorry if i wasn't able to give you everything that you needed. fcuk. i'm just so weak. forgive me.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...