philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
not to be affected by my zahir 1:58 AM
THE ZAHIR
(a novel of obsession)
Zahir in Arabic means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it. Gradually occupies our every thoughts, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.
I am going to tell about the things I have learned from the book, relation of some situations in my life, and realization towards the struggle in re-discovery of my own zahir just like the narrator of the book. BUT if you have the plan of reading the book i tell you from this instance not to continue reading this...
Recently I've been having a hard time sleeping because of this heavy feeling at my chest which is really disturbing. I've been thinking of something/someone so often that "it" has also been appearing in my dreams. I don't really consider it as a dream because to me it's more of a nightmare. I am not in the "dream-telling" mode and i'd rather keep the dream to myself maybe because I'm trying to deny the fact that my dream is true. I guess I am doing this as a defense mechanism for me not to get hurt. But sometimes the scene doen't just occur in my dream but also right infront of my face. I tried to ignore it because, as the saying goes, 'what the EYE DOESN'T SEE, the HEART DOESN'T GRIEVE OVER.
This past two weeks has been so hard for me because of not being able to sleep. I do believe that this is the worst torture, being up all night thinking about the thing that has been causing heavy feeling in my chest and bothering me for almost every second of the day. Annoying but i want to think of it always, not almost, but ALWAYS. It is like a disease I don't want to get rid of, like from the book, those who try to catch the disease never try to get better, and those who suffer never wished to be cured.
[Sufferings occur when we want other people to love us in the way that we imagined us to be loved, and not in the way that love should manifest itself.] Well, we can never alter our fist impulse towards a scenario, we wanted the best, and we wanted things to be perfect as possible. After the things that had happen to me I can never be able to blame my self for being so cautious of my initial reactions, which is being misunderstood by some and tried to be understood by few. Maybe I do wear a mask to show that I am fine, well I am fine, I am a fine person like Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy. That has always been the character I wanted to portray in a big movie which is so called 'Life', and on which is projected on a three-dimensional medium.
I am becoming wary of my being so cautious and being such a 'control-freak' over the situations. I know that sometimes I have to let loose and let things fall into its place, because i know for the fact that if I'd try to CONTROL this 'Untamed Force' it will just end up DESTROYing me, or if I'd try to IMPRISON it it would just ENSLAVE me, or if I'd try to UNDERSTAND it it will just leave me feeling LOST and CONFUSED. And I am also a bit wary for losing interest in finding out my zahir that might result to slipping that 'thing' away.
I know I have so much time to think of that zahir, besides I am still exhausted from all the rigmaroles that has been coming to pass. The only worst scenario that could occur is that when that 'thing' finally got worn-out too. hehe. I remembered when I was being teased by my cousins on how I'd be a 'spinster' if I don't stop being such a cautious bitch. But what the hell, I'm too young to be problem-ing my zahir... All i have to problem now is how i could be able to sleep and on how i could modify my body clock. I couldn't careless if i take whatever sedative just for me to get to sleep.
I'd try not to be affected by my zahir now. like what I've said, I'd be cool, I'd be alright, I'd be fine, besides I'm like Esther, a woman who is always often terrified inside, but always courageous in her actions. Who could love someone without humbling herself and who'd never apologize for fighting for a man...
ciao :)
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Saturday, November 3, 2007
can't think of a title 9:58 PM
happy death day for me...
sem break is nearly over but i'm still me. i am still the old ambiguous me. actually from the start i already know what i want but im having a hard time because that "thing" is so far away from me. i tried not to need anything/anybody. i've tried to be independent as i could. but things and thoughts still bother me.
i want to blame you for every thing. i want to blame you for every hardship i am going through right now because if you were just right here things wouldn't be this difficult. i want to blame you for making me miss you so much because if you were just right here i wouldn't feel this tormenting feeling. i want to blame you for every single thing! i want to just cry because i couldn't even decide for my own life. not without you. i'm trying to convince myself that if i go run and push my self farther away things will go much more easy, but we both know that it's just another problem trying to conceal the other problem...
i want to blame you so hard for you to go run chase me. i could only stop blaming you if you could make this feeling, the feeling of loving you, stop. but i guess i'd rather blame you all i want and see what fate awaits for both of us as a surprise.
oh fcuk waiting and patience! it will go and make me crazy.pff.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...