philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Friday, July 11, 2008
acused of being a homophile 7:45 AM
let me get this straight okay?!
I am ONLY intimately attracted to MAN.
for short, i am STRAIGHT.
no FLEXIBILITY as some construe.
that is as far as i can tell...
oh no. I AM NOT A LESBO,
this is not the right time for IDENTITY CRISIS!
i'm too old for that baloney.
effing crap.
awhile ago, i was acused of being a lesbo for some reason i really can not hold a grip onto. hmmmm. let me see. self assessing. well, here are some cues i might be guilty of:
1. i do tend to be really boy-ish for most of the time
2. yes, i do came from an exclusive all girls school
3. i do admire people of same sex
4. my masculine side is more dominant than of my feminine side
5. and lastly, i am closer to my guy-friends than of my girl-friends
so maybe yah, i could be mistaken as some tomboy. but a lesbian? i just really can't get why i couldn't convince a person than i am not gay! i am not. i might sound uberly defensive now but i couldn't really just believe that someone positively believes that i couldn't be at any chance, is STRAIGHT. yes. i am really surprised. i never even been close to the point wherein i would go into a relationship with a girl. na-ah. never a choice for me.
but as ate Becca said: i can never tell.
me, myself can never really assure..
so did i leave you confused?
believe me,
you're not ALONE.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
esoterically speaking 2:25 PM
remorse has never been an issue for me. before i do things, i think of it for at least ten times. the only thing that i am troubled of is that i tend to be impulsive no matter how hard i ponder on to things. but i never regret. maybe i do feel sorry for somethings that i could have not done, but i was never regretful. i might have been a pain in the ass to some, but as life is delineated, it has never been fair. i should say i am sorry, but i am also sorry to say that i am not regretful. i do not regret that i have given every single piece of my love for the person who deserve it, and trusted upon it.
being regretful or being sorry is not the reason why i am writing right now. i wrote because i wanna share a thing that i have learned for this past few weeks. i might not tell it as directly and as literally as i could due to some reason mainly because of confidentiality, but i will assure to be as specific and expressive as i could...
so let me tell you the story this way:
when i was a kid, i see things in a very interesting way. i had always seen our home as an enchanted place where anything is possible just as you believe in it. my room as my sanctuary, the mirror in my parent's room as some secret pathway going somewhere magical, our backyard ladder as a route going somewhere fey, and the roof as some place where in you will never be able to be found and a place where in you will never feel sadness or any other negative emotions. i loved every single corner in our home. our old home. things used to be so inlove, the ambiance was more warm, more captivating, and more enticing. i loved every part of my home. most of the time when something would just blow and ruin my day outside the realm of my safe zone, the only thing i would ever want is to be home. my humble abode. but as i grew up and discovered that there are things more magical, or should i say, that is more deceivingly interesting outside my terrain. i forgot that once i loved my home. i even got to the point where in i can not stay longer than five seconds inside my house just because i lost taste of the things that fascinates me before. it took me a long time to realize that it has been long since i have payed attention about my home. as time passed outside my abode, i felt home-sick. i haven't even realized that most of my family members have left and i never known how it felt to be in it anymore. i even nearly forgot that without this place where in i have learned too many things i could have never been the person i am right now. i realized that i wanted to be back. i wanted that same old feeling, to be safe even if i know that even if i got outside, nobody can harm me. but as soon as i enter that place, the feeling just doesn't feel the same way as it felt before. the spark i once dig has gone in a matter of time. the feeling isn't that warm anymore, and because once i was outside my turf, i was taught that there is no such thing as magical, enchanting, and forever. i was so disappointed because nothing felt like as i was 4 years young. now that i am older, i see my room as just another plain place where you sleep, the mirror in my parents room is just simply a furniture where in you see your reflection, the backyard ladder as some instrument used to go on the roof, and the roof as another part of my house that covers everything that is inside, protecting the place from invaders, heat of the sun, and rain drops... i don't feel the exciting feeling anymore. i felt like i'm in a twilight. there is no spark anymore. i realized that i could never do anything to bring back the past. the past now remains history. i will never make things feel warm, captivating, and enticing anymore. everything passed by that easy. even if i cried my heart out because i wanted that same old home back, i know that i am that helpless and that i should let things be the way they are suppose to be.
changes i know is essential, whether it approves us or not, change will remain inevitable.
i know that i should accept the fact that now my old home occupies different person. that person will never be me anymore, but at least, i have been part of that place where in i have learned so many things and my fantasies has once became true.
i miss my old home
but i know i should let go of my childhood memories in order to move-on with my life and keep growing...
i'll never go back to that place again, but just look from a distance from time to time,
i just wish that who ever took place in my home, will take good care of it, and love it, more that i ever valued and loved it...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...