philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
“In A Reverie”
Bernadette LERUM Maghirang
Laughs and bliss overcame my emotions
Even I, didn’t expect such a situation
Here, the sun was shining abruptly
While over there, the moon was howling serenely
That day was supposed to represent a perfect harmony
The news struck me like a rock
I didn’t believe it, but I was left shocked
I felt tears coming down my face
And my heart palpitated in many different ways
Will you know in your profound sleep
The way I can’t seem to stop myself to weep?
I was young and I didn’t care
But today I wished I’ve been fair
The way I ignored you and walked away
Made me realize my indifference was not okay
The way I spoke to you that day
Made me realize that there are still many words left to say
I was young and I didn’t know love
Now to ask for you, I’d have to look above
I am heartbroken that I will not be able to see
But I know you’re happy that you’re finally free
Don’t think I’ve forgotten:
Our ice cream days, the meals together,
your flawless dance moves, your incomparable looks,
your sympathy when I was forced to sleep outside,
And all the love I couldn’t repay
And the requests I didn’t obey
I came here…
Expecting the same affection from this family
How dull and sorrow. Where was their unity?
This was different because I didn’t feel anything
Their silence and ignorance towards me got me wishing
Wishing that I was back home
Because I’ve never felt so alone
I want to sit and talk to you
To be able to kiss you goodbye is what I need to do
I hope the dead can read my mind
Here are the confessions you will find
You are the greatest grandparent I know
Since you’ve finally decided to go on your reverie
How could my feelings possibly show?
Not when words can’t even classify
The message I was trying to identify
You are the best
We love you
Guide us in heaven
We shall feel your love and presence
Despite your heartbreaking absence...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
how does opposites perfectly combine? i don't really know how he does it but he really does it well. he's a type of person that could make me so mad but the next thing he'd be the person who has my heart and makes it so blissful. he also tends to be oh so stupid who picks wrong timing and accidentally utters offensive words but the truth is he's brightest and smartest person i know who's striving so hard to ripen up the situation and works so hard to be meticulous of his choice of words around me. he's also the sweetest and the most insensitive person i know. very strong but at the same time the most vulnerable and weakest... i care for him most but in a very discreet way, i hate him the same way as i love him...
so i guess it's really over. we can now find ways to cope with our daily lives without the presence of each other. i wish i could move on that fast... so it's really this hard. effing crap. you feel like on the verge of crying every time you see the person who broke your heart. finding every ways to divert your attention just not to feel the stabbing pain that sweep of your feet from your coolness. i really hate being nostalgic. i can't fucking control it. it's a bitch. withstanding all the things i was never really used to do. walk alone. go home alone. not talk. eat food without sharing. talking to no one. he wasn't just some one. he was one of my best friends. i wanted to let go... how do i fucking escape this misery?
fuck nostalgia. fuck reminiscing. fucking burden.
my little brother went into my room asking me: "ate jhoi, wala na si david?" and all i can say was: "wala na." and then he's really gone. over.
i even told 'someone' how i felt... what the fucking hell has got into me? i wanted this. i was willing. i love being hurt. i want to be forgotten. i wanted to be ignored and set aside. i wanted to be on rock bottom. then after as i go up again everything would just be easier and lighter as compared to this point.
i am so afraid that i wouldn't be able to find someone like him. someone who'd fight for me no matter how hard i push him away. and would just stop loving me just because i said so... i guess the saying that: "the sweetest love was the one that got away" is really true. at least this was the ending that i could have wanted...
i loved him truly.
he passed. he got away...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
i am so messed up right now. i don't even know where to start. yesterday was like hell, as always. ej and chillay were the only one who made me feel a bit better. eating was the same as gagging. i missed him of course. who am i kidding? yesterday the only thing that was running into my mind was that i wish this day could be over because i couldn't stand not looking at him or having a decent conversation when he was just inches away from me. i tried my best to keep my composure but guess what, of course, i was still and very much distracted. he was just at my back on my promotive preventive class and all i can hear was his voice, if only i could plug my ears so that i couldn't hear it and so that i couldn't expect that he might at least ask me what was going on. but of course nothing like that had happen. it was a plain and ordinary day just not having him around. my last class was an agony. fucking torture i swear. i told him that i don't want him anymore, because i do. i want to get over him. but i can not deny that i still have the feelings for him and that i am sad for i miss hanging around him, just sitting next to him. but i am willing to let things go. because us being together was never really easy for the both of us. i am willing to let go of the thing that makes me glad. but i am not happy of course. my heart aches for sadness. he was just right at my back. talking. laughing. and all psyched without any signs of pardon. at that moment i know i made the right decision...
its also funny how he never noticed my earring for the past months and almost a year. i've been wearing this earring since december and out of the blue just recently he told me that my new earring looks good and i was like "i've been wearing these earrings for forever" and all he could say was "sorry i never payed attention to your ear." really? as in really now? not even once the whole 10 months we've been together? why am i so shocked? YOU REALLY NEVER PAYED ATTENTION TO ME. never...
this monday i told him that i wanted to end things between us and all he can say was "if that's what you want." you let go of me for that second and now you're trying to call? what the fucking hell is wrong with you? and yesterday, no word was meant and uttered for you and all you can tell me was "kamote ka?" are you really convincing me that i am one? because you can't convince me enough. you're nothing for me from now on...
second day of wallowing over. future is coming so soon, where in i'd just laugh because i cried for something dumb and stupid...
ciao for now.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...