philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
facing my own fear 7:11 PM
There are tons of things I am scared of. I'm afraid to sleep in a dark room, I'm afraid of snakes and lizards, while sharks and other fierce looking creatures really scare the hell out of me. But the thing that really scares me is the thought that I'd loss the people who meant to me most. But I am at my scared-est peak when I am angry, because I'm scared that I might loss control that I could say or/and do things that I might regret in the end. I just try to hide hints that I get scared to drive what scares me away. And of course I wouldn't blurt out the things I am scared of because I never wanted people to use it against me.
Of course I'm also scared that you might find your own rose and forget about me, but I know either which way it will happen. I'm just preparing my self of what is inevitable. I know I'm like Meredith who's all scared, alone, and as coward as any body else or maybe you think I wanted to do a heroic act. But I guess that's what happen when you get tired of same things over and over, and when the other talks about finding his own rose. Scaring me at where I am scared of. Who does that? Oh, this might get into you too much. I'm not saying all these because I'm asking you of a favor to stop scaring me or to tell you I want things back the way they're used to, but because I want you to know that I get scared too, but as the saying goes: Face your own fear, that way I might get the hang of it and leave me dauntless enough to let things the way they are supposed to. I know it's not easy, I like what is complex and not easy, it would be like sleeping in a dark room full of snakes and lizards crawling all over me. But I'd take it just to prove my self that I'm not that scaredy-cat who's excessively fearful of you finding your own rose.
rose, tss.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Sunday, May 25, 2008
what a cliffhanger 10:55 AM
I WANT THE NEXT EPISODE OF ONE TREE HILL. Errr
this past few days, since have nothing else to do, i bum around, sleep, and watch series. i hate to admit it but gosh, i guess the things i've been watching is really getting into me. i cant remember on how many times these effin' series made me almost cry. i'm full of emotions that it easily affects me. i can't believe that i am that vulnerable lately when this past few days i seem pretty normal. but now i guess i'm fine. tomorrow's going to be the day when we normally add one to our previous age. i'm talking as if i'm really not that psyched up again. i guess that's what happen when you grow old, you tend to loss taste for everything and then you become dull and rigid. eew. i don't wanna be like my own folks. not now, not soon.
yesterday i talked to some friends like some in common situations. distaste for what is currently happening, some confusions, tormented with some inevitable and insolvable problems, frustrated and tired of somethings.
well, i know i could not find solutions nor answers for right now because i'm still in my struggle towards that, but all i can say is that we could use some letting loose from time to time, just to get off of some things that breaks us. just leave it alone for a moment, especially when you're near giving up. we could all use some escape. then again find hope elsewhere, and then use a help of a friend, just someone that will surely listen will do. then after that, go and do some ass kicking again. i know we'd all make through this. i know some time this next sem we'll wave at each other on our corridors as if nothing had happened.
~
People write the things they can't say. - One Tree Hill
perfect reason that explains why i waste my time here. this is one of the few things that lighten me up whenever i'm all worn-out for the day. some say this is just another trash bin where in i place most of my crap. but at the same time i create this dump as my safe zone. somewhere i could be honest with my self, somehow talk and communicate with few others, and sometimes exaggerate things to add force to my every blow. but as what my friend stated: Don't believe you know me after reading entries from my blog - Ava. what i write is just a reflection of me, vague and obscure.
~
wish list:
5. gift check for-some-cost-i-don't-really-care as long as i could shop and buy books, books, and books.
4. unlimited gas card/check or whatever that is, if it really exist, so i could go wherever on whenever i want.
3. ticket to go wherever i wanna go.
2. strawberry sorbet or strawberry daiquiri (that could get me so stoned) or panna cotta with some strawberries and creme fraiche, or curd full of strawberries. anything with strawberry.
and lastly,
1. i just really want some space, time, and peace so i could do whatever i wanna do, like eat what's said above or jump maybe or cry, or laugh or maybe even read, or paint. just like what i used to do when everything was still simple and basic.
jour de naissance heureux à moi!
and oh yah, i've changed my url, it's now: http://lesfraisesjaime.blogspot.com/
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
friend-hood 8:43 PM
well i've been thinking, how can you say that you're friend is true? so i've found some answer as for my opinion. well, what i'm trying to part here applies to every kind of friend, may it be your lover or your parent. well, as for my experience, i think they're the ones who will be transparent to you as possible, who would tell you you're insane from time to time, who would always be willing to help no matter what, who would stand up for you even if you're wrong and afterwards will tell you how stupid you are for doing such mistakes, friends can't say NO to you only given a very credible reason, and i guess friends are those who never think of what you might think of him/her just to say that he/she is the best friend ever, but does her best to let you feel that you're the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON. well these words are told by my very own bestfriend. my DAD.
i've found some, and still sorting the others. but as what the band Rivermaya lyricized - INGAT SA TAONG MAY MASKARA. don't be deceived by the ass kissing, others might just use you for own gain.
soooooo. i've been watching Grey's Anatomy and crap, i'm inlove. no series can make me so thrilled as for Grey's. effin Grey's.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
capping day is it? 9:57 AM
oh well, the other day was indeed my capping. some were nervous, some were excited, and some were overwhelmed, but as for me, it was just another normal day. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but i wasn't really that psyched up. my only fear is that through all the things i am going through i'm afraid that i might be losing my sense of superficiality or appreciativeness. i don't want to be that "profound" and "deep" girl few are calling me. i don't know, maybe i just miss the times were in i know when to use either which, i just miss when everything was in its stasis...
i really have nothin' to write laltely...
i'm quite confused. only one thing catches my attention. but i can't write about it, by far a top secret.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
can't think of any 8:00 PM
it has been a while since i last wrote. i really really have no time, but since CAS classes are over, i'd have extra time to contemplate and i guess, write. i have tons of interesting experience this past few weeks. some really made me feel splendid and of course some fizzled me in some sense, but there is no need for further elaboration.
so, i still feel this weird emotion. i feel like sooner or later i'd be in some unfamiliar niche where in i have to once again adapt. but the thing that really some what sadden me most is that i'd really miss most of the people i had already been with for about two years already, especially my marelicious Yen Ling and, my two best buddies, Xoxo and Punch who had always been there especially when i really needed someone to give me some serious and straight-shoot scolding and counseling. i'd really really miss them.
lately i've done some stupid things again. i never really meant to do it and besides i know it would just complicate things again and again and again. i've tried so hard. i get the part where in i have to have intense disciplining but the thing that i can never do is avoid some things that's already in my system. effin' bull crap. i told my self that i'll get rid of everything that makes my life a living hell but what if some stuffs are not in my hand anymore? WTF 'm i suppose to do?! some inevitable crap. do destiny really exist? i don't think so, all i know is that there are convincing reasons why things happen. so whatever it is... it better be effin' good. and if ever destiny really does exist, fuck it. it's a big time nuisance.
so what's the thing that would make me feel better?
well...
let me borrow Coelho books, especially the once i've not read yet.
and and and...
i want cool piano piece (lately fund of playing piano)
GREETINGS:
belated happy birthday:
DENIS ESTEBAN (may 8)
BIEN LERUM (may 11)
SHEILA MARIE SALUT (may 12)
CARMELA BORABIEN (may 16)
advance happy birthday:
FRITZ OLASO (may 22)
GINA ESPINA (may 22)
and me! yeyzi! [smug]
good luck on our capping my dear batch mates!
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Friday, May 9, 2008
i have nothing to post. i'm too busy. 8:58 PM
[my language long test]
Event: Interview of Aphrodite (goddess of love, lust and beauty) by Ellen DeGeneres
Location: at Mount Olympus
Ellen: How does it feel that you’re a daughter of two great Greek gods, Zeus (god of sky and thunder) and Dione (classified as a mother goddess)?
Aphrodite: Thanks to them I’m a goddess too, but I do believe I created my own identity independently; I’ve played some part of history with out involving the both of them.
Ellen: Very self-contained huh? So how does it feel to be associated with an “aphrodisiac”? As we all know it’s a drug that intensifies sexual desires.
Aphrodite: What do you expect? I am the goddess of beauty and lust, who couldn’t be aroused?
Ellen: How does it feel to have a father which happened to be a playboy?
Aphrodite: Well, it’s kind of interesting, you get to have tons of siblings to the point that you wouldn’t be able to remember each names, and even walk down streets without even realizing that you’ve already walk passed by your brother or sister already. It’s always awesome to have a big family, as the saying goes the more, the merrier. [Giggles]
Ellen: So if you have parents to give birth to you, how come they say that you came from sea foam?
Aphrodite: Well if my sister Athena came from my father, Zeus’ head, why can’t I have the right to come from sea foam? Besides, that’s the advantage of being a god; you get the chance to pick on how you’ll be born.
Ellen: Very privileged, huh? So how is it to be characterized as some goddess who happened to be vain, ill tempered and easily offended?
Aphrodite: What they see is what they get. If mortals don’t abide by my commands right away then they deserve to be punished. If they say I’ve got an attitude, I say screw them.
Ellen: Aww, some attitude you got there your highness. And how about being unfaithful?
Aphrodite: Now we’re being too personal. Well, it was never my fault to look for other especially when your father forced you to marry a humorless dude [Hephaestus], so I seek for some companion which Ares [god of savage warfare] freely gave me.
Ellen: Okay. I’ve got three more controversial questions for you. So were you really jealous of mortal’s beauty named Psyche that you made her fall in love with the ugliest man?
Aphrodite: I’m a goddess, of course my beauty can’t be just be defeated by some mortal, so I planned to sabotage his choice of man. But I failed, because the person I’ve run to for help, Eros, accidentally had fallen in love with her, that fatuous traitor.
Ellen: As claimed to be one of the fairest as Athena and Hera, how did you feel to be chosen by Paris after abducting him to choose you by offering Helen?
Aphrodite: Well I must say that I am headway than the both of them because as Hera I can use force too, as Athena I use my head too, and the thing that edged me is my beauty that both didn't have.
Ellen: And lastly, since you are the goddess of beauty, it is just costly to know what you think about and how beauty means for you.
Aphrodite: As Phineas Fletcher once said that Beauty is when most unclothed is clothed best.
Ellen: That explains why most of your picture shows your nakedness. Well, thanks for sparing your time with us mortals.
Aphrodite: Never a problem.
Josephine Lerum
Nicole Chung
BSN II-3
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
my first day of summer duty was the bomb 9:24 PM
[this entry was suppose to be posted yesterday, but due to some unwanted circumstances, i wasn't able to do so... ]
i don't normally tell what happened to me on a daily basis but now is really an exemption. because today, i realized that nursing doesn't really suck after all. okay, so we usually do vital signs which really annoys me... why? simply because i can't believe i study and spend so much to major in VS which is crappy, but a while ago was really the best. I couldn't trade it for anything else, the experience was awesome.
so here it goes:
at first of course like any other day when i had my first duty, like last semester, i wasn't really that psyched about being in the hospital because all we're asked to do is stand up for a day, wait to take VS, stare at the charts, do Nursing Process (NP) and Nursing Care Plan (NCP) and and and! there's these gazillion things that we are restricted to do and i'm too sloth to enumerate. so when i got in Pasay City General Hospital i was expecting for the worst, like filthy place with an unpleasant crowd with the worst cases plus terrible scenarios, but i was wrong, i mis-estimated everything. today we had the best location compared to others, considering that we had the nearest duty location, we had the most understanding and coolest Clinical Instructor (CI) i could ever imagine [nah, nothing can compare miss Jimenez. i'm such a kiss ass. hehe] but but but! He was really cool, very encouraging, by the way his name is Christopher Evangelista. [i wonder if he knows the person i'm thinking of, hmm...]if the last time we were restricted this time we were privileged to do some necessary stuffs like resting, sitting, and and even text-ing. lucky huh? plus plus plus! we were entrusted to do some interesting stuffs like assist in pop smearing were in we got to see tons of va-jay-jay... hehe, we were allowed to assist in removing stitches of patients who undergone cesarean, assist and see how a circumcision is done, if we've seen tons of va-jay-jay, well, we've also seen several pu-toy-toys too, hehe. we were also allowed to assist in some incursion biopsy where in you get a sample of the mass/cyst to be examined, and of course who can forget the unending Vital Signs? so yah, we've done tons of each procedures. our day ended with weary muscle and all of us felt overworked but you'd see the smile on each and everyone's eyes. joyous because we had an experience for the first day of summer duty as something prolific. everyone's satisfied yet still craves to render more help, we were thrilled for the first day still and all looking forward to what's gonna happen next. love. love.
to recapitulate: WE HAD FUN. I HAD FUN.
if there's such thing as prodigal son, i felt like a prodigal friend, hehe.. YOU! yes you. YOU know what i meant. all i can say is I'M SORRY and I LOVE YOU...
and lastly,
YOU! yup! the one i'm expecting to read these blogger-ings.
i MISS you.~
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Sunday, May 4, 2008
randomness 11:33 PM
i friggin'can't explain what i felt when i've read the blog of someone. what the hell? why do i always have to go into some place at the wrong time, i don't know if it's just a coincidence or what. so yah i dunno if it affected me because there is no official ending or what-so-ever you call it. urgh. you intrigued of what i've read? see this:
ouh well, i do miss julian...
and it so happened that todays the date he entered my life...coincidence...
see, i never forget...because i treasure.
but dont fret, ive no plans/thoughts whatsoever for anything...
(if you wanna read the complete post, click joanne on the other linkage at the left side under give them some love too. it was posted on may 02, 2008. so there.)
why do i suddenly miss him?!?
hell jhoi! what the hell? enough already!
crap-holy. i know, life is being so hard for me. the month of may is such an interesting month as any for me. it was when he came into my life too. the day before my birthday. urgh. i need to stop this thing. i have to let things fall into its place. i am tired, they're tired, all of us are tired. i'd let time un-complicate everything.
so yah, i cried a while ago with no very particular reason, i guess everyone has this sudden urge to release some shit. i mean you know, crappy sappy shits. i dunno if it was because of the songs in my playlist, the letter i have just read, the quietness of this afternoon, or the things that makes me so weak like the memories of my past. whatever the reason is, darn, it really made me blurt every single emotions i have. atleast i feel much much better now.
~
i'm getting tired of same routine every week. i demand change. all i do is bone up or if not procrastinate. oh i do that best. mondays and tuesdays all i do is memorize for some stupid demo which is really boggles my nerve. crazy. wednesdays to saturdays i go to school for same subjects which is really pointless and has no relevance to my chosen career for pete's sake! and by sunday, my only rest, i would prefer just to be home. sleep as much as i could. linger i bed as much as i can.
~
so my dad asked me to give my sister, bianca, a retreat letter. so here it is...
To my dearest Bianca,
Hey there sister, it's been a while already since we've last seen each other and I want you to know that I miss my two most favorite sisters, you and Maricar. I know we never get the chance to be together always as before but I want you to know that I am just a text, an email, a call, and a chat away whenever you need me and whenever you need some serious scolding, I would be more than willing to do so. You know I'm kidding right? Well anyways, you're old already, before we were just kids who never stop arguing about some smalltime stuffs, but now you've grown into a very smart and pretty young lady. Bianx, you know I admire you for being hard working, as you always follow what mama has to make you do, patient, for you never complain, and most of all for being kind-hearted, for you never ask for anything but still give your everything, but baby you have to also know your limitations okay? But keep it up, keep being masunuren, masipag, and makulit. All we, daddy and i, ask of you is to take good care and guide our youngest sister Maricar, and follow Mama because she knows what is good for the both of you.
Now that it's your retreat, grab this opportunity to pray, relax, love, and enjoy every minute of being spiritually enlightened. Ask God of guidance in your chosen career, Ask Him for what you've always been wanting because as the passage goes: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you [Matthew 7:7]. Enjoy my dearest sister, life is too good, savor every second of it. We are so lucky because God has given us wonderful parents who support us, give us everything and most of all listen, take credit, and appreciate everything that we can ever give in return.
So go on and make this day a date with our God. Always keep in mind that God is the only one we can always run to no matter what. He will always be the one that will welcome us with open arms. And with Him you'll never go astray. This is the day to build a strong relationship with Him so go and seize it.
Daddy, Jethro, I, Mommy, and Maricar congratulate you for this is a very significant day for our young lady. We love you and Jet, Daddy and I miss you so much.
Love,
Ate Jhoi
~
ciao guys. good night and good morning.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Friday, May 2, 2008
my impolite professor rocks 1:55 PM
she's the rude-ST person i know. she had been my professor since last sem and hell, she made me cry for deducting my grade (20 points) just because i forgot to put my set on my freaking test paper. that harsh and austere old woman. tsk. so you might wonder how she rocks our world. well, everyone admire her for being very straightforward and plainspoken rather being soft-spoken as most instructors are. she excites us as she give this mind-boggling questions followed by her offensive commentaries and piques us to think abstrusely, and how she terrorize us with her APO associates and how she makes us evaporate as our class comes to an end. i admire her for she has alot to say, so many things to offer, and have so much compassion to edify our puerile and unseasoned mind.
yesterday i have learned one important thing which is: self and social awareness. an essential thing that motivates and drives us to act upon things or situations.
i am aware that i am caught upon a situation where in i am in the middle of a person and the past. fully aware that i should have done better and backed off instead. absolutely aware that i hated where i stand now for screwing some things. entirely aware that i've been so stupid because they have got into me. totally aware that i am now hurt and i detest 'both'. and i am completely aware that some things are partially my fault BUT i have every right to feel that i abhor 'both'.
vague?
lets go back from where we started. person told what happend and what's the response of the other?
-> : 'forget what happened and just act as if nothing had happen.'
WTF? do you even know what you're trying to say? are you even involve in the situation to have the right to advice? please! you don't even know a single thing. how dare you. i NEVER came for any of your help. you can live without me and surely i can live without you, so don't act as if i am such a big deal because we have never started any damn thing. you were plainly there and so as i, so lets stop this rigmarole and act as if we never existed as before.
being rough is my way out. i don't see anything bad about it. i am just expressing what i feel, and i'm done acting as if nothing had happened. sarcasms = hypocrisies. no wonder. once a bitch, will always a bitch. i am over. i am done. let's just get this over with. if i could just shove to ones face that i loathe, i would do that, but i'm just keeping my composure, but still act as i abhor because i won't ignore how i am fooled around any longer. i am just way out there.
hate me?
so what?
You are everything i wanted,
and more...
Thursday, May 1, 2008
i want 11:55 AM
waaaaa. i miss my laptop. it has been three days already and i desperately want it back! huhu.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...