philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Friday, August 17, 2007
apologies are futile 3:41 PM
[i just read joanne's blog:]
***
i never meant na saktan ko na kahit na sino, especially jhoi...
i guess natakot lang ako and all, that i initiated the bitchiness with "please move on, cuz we are"
a pretty dumb move... pero kahit na sinong babae na nandito sa position ko would feel me
and PROBABLY gawin din yun. bakit? kase like i told Julez...
na mahirap being in my position na you dated me tapos iniwan mo ko sa ere
na bumalik ka dun to only say "goodbye" pero nagka balikan kayo.
bumalik ka dito at gusto mo kong maging kaibigan.
i tried to kalimot yung ngyare na masaket and i accepted the friendship
and so i became your listening ear sa relashon nyong dalawa...
sinasabi mo yung mga problema mo at ako naman, miske masaket,
binigyan parin kita ng advice...we hung out still as close friends...
and i was there whenever you needed me...
tapos iniwan ka nya ulit at nandon din ako para i-comfort
katapos i cut class para sayo...na may nangyari pa unexpectedly...
tapos naging tayo...natakot ako dahil baka magsisi ka sa ginawa mo at iwan ulit ako...
kaya ayun, nung nakita ko yung comment nya sayo, na paranoid ako...
hiningi ko assurance mo pero since hindi ka marunong mag "express ng feelings mo", hinayaan ko na...
masakit lang sa part ko dahil alam ko na matagal yung 3years pero sabi mo sakin nung naging tayo na
"hindi naman kame nagkikitang mashado so ano pa yun?"
pero sa nakikita ko bumabalik balik parin ang pagmamahal nya sayo at ang hirap nun kasi siguro kahit na sinong babae ay ma i-insecure.sinabi ko sayo na gusto kong ma work out tong relashon nato dahil bukod sa mahal na kita, gusto ko ren malaman na kaya ko ulet magmahal [at nagawa ko],
at ayaw ko na ulit mangyare yung sa mga past relationships na hindi nag work out.
masakit dahil nandun ako sa lahat ng times na kinailangan mo ng someone.
i ditch class para sayo... binibigay ko time ko para sayo.
yun ang mga things na natutunan ko from my past relatonships;
give time, pero sumobra pa ata yung akin...
i'm so terribly sorry jhoi [if ever mabasa mo to..which i sadly doubt she will :< ] hinde ko talaga intention na mag "away" tayo...through shoutouts pa... so so fuckingly childish of me :( anyway, before all this happened, sinabi ko pa nga kay julez noon na gusto kitang maging kaibigan pero baka masaktan ka lang... na isipin mo sinasaja [tama ba?] ko...well, if ever na okaye sayo maging friends tayo, i won't ever mind... sa totoo lang nung naging kayo ulit, at kaya ko in-accept yung friendship dahil sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hanga ako sa pagka loyal mo sa kanya.yun ang kinakatakutan ko ngayon na sa dahil loyal person ka, baka balikan mo sya ulit at iwan LAHAT ng ala-ala meron tayo; especially yung mga ginawa ko para sayo na NEVER kong ginawa for anybody else...kung loyal person ka, hinde mo gagawin yung ginawa mo sakin nung "nagda-date" palang tayo. yung lang... peace...
***
i'm not a paragon, i'm not INTRUDING on what you have both. but i can NEVER deny the fact that I STILL LOVE HIM.
maybe yah, she really loves jay. what am i suppose to do now? i texted jay yesterday. di naman talaga dapat ako magtetext e. ava and i were talking on how i should not be UNFAIR to jay. that i should tell him what i really feel than regreting at the end. because what if we still feel the same way, but what if NOT? well, atleast i did my part already, and there would be no WHAT IFs that would bother me anymore. i just really want to talk to him. i haven no intention of breaking them, or what they have. i just wanted jay to be happy. and to know how he was doing.
i never wanted to hurt joanne too. like what i've said i was just trying to protect my self too. and i respect her, because that's the least i can give. friendship? come on, that is too much for now. but yah, we can be friends sooner or later. i have nothing against anybody. i don't make a simple issue into a big deal. and yah, i was wrong, maybe, for texting and bugging jay again.SORRY... [mysorryisfutile]
if ever you'reading this too joanne, (which i think you are not, because only few people, close friends lang ang may alam ng url na to.) i'm sorry. i shouldn't be intruding on what you have. it's so stupid of me to say all the things i've said at my shout out too. but i can not promise you that i'd stop knowing what's happening to jay. because that's the only thing i wanted to know from HIM. from the person who mean everything to me...i want you guys to be happy...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...