philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
explanation 8:30 PM
one of my friends told and asked me why make things so complicated? why jay and i have to end up this way? and why i have to break up with him? is my love for him not enough to stay with him?
i don't know really. but i'll tell and say this all over again for you guys to fully understand my IRRATIONALITY. i know it sound very paradoxical, to try to explain and reason out my irrationality.
so here it goes...
you know, sometimes LOVE itself isn't enough. it's not that i am doubting the capacity of what love can make us do, on contrary i do believe that love is the most powerful force on the earth that can make us do everything. EVERYTHING. even leaving the one you love because you thought that would be the easiest way to handle things. you thought that you can make it with out him/her. i also do believe that sometimes love can make you stupid and foolish. yah, maybe in other's view. and tends to make your actions vindicated, because you become illogical.
i have said that sometimes LOVE isn't enough because there are other factors to be considered too... like presence, distance, actions vindicted, mistakes, someone who could be there for him and for me, etc. ok let me blame my weakness, my thoughts, my doubts, lost of hope and faith and also my hormone (it sounds weird but sometimes it also play an important role and make a great influence in descision making.)
i wasn't very happy about us when i was thinking of breaking up with you again. why? because you were being unfair. i've told you everything about me and david from the start, even if i know it would hurt you. i didn't tell you that to hurt you, but because you deserve to be rendered an explanation. when i saw your picture together i was very much disappointed because you did not tell me about it. remember when you met her and made out with her you never ever mentioned her name to me. when you went back here you were already telling me about how you're liking her and how you just went back here just to say your farewell and planning that you'd be together as soon as you go back there. that time too i was thinking about david because he wasn't talking to me. alarmed that the person who had always been there for me when i was in trouble is mad at me made me go crazy. you just don't know how he comforted me as a friend. atleast as a friend. so thoughts came rushing in my mind...
why not be with someone who's near US?
why not give them the chance to prove their capacity and worth? besides how will you know 'til you've tried it?
i've said:
presence and distance. we both know that we can never always be at each other's sides because we're miles away from each other. you're demanding to know everything that's happening to me. it has been hard for me since you left me believe me. i've cried almost everynight. bianca was already worried and has already told my auntie who had been mad at me already for crying about it. but for some time i've adapt in the situation. and in time SANAY NA AKO NA WALA KA. calls and texts to keep us intouch. wala kang pagkukulang dun. you even go here whenever you can make it. but it still doesn't fill up the times that we're far apart most especially when you needed me most and i needed you most. presence was inadequate. and that is the fact.
actions vindicated and mistakes. i was very guilty when david kissed me. because i let him do that. i know for the fact that i love you so much and no matter what i do no body can take your place in my heart. but sometimes the things that you are not used in handling can really really make you go paranoid and end up leaving you shaken and losing your self trust and make you forget the things you usually are very sure with. i was sure that i love you soo much, but after the kiss, it made me think like crazy on how i was very still to let him do that even if i love you soo much, it made me weak, lost my confidence, i had no face to show you, made me very ashamed of what happend. i needed you that time to save me in the situation, but i found my self drowning in the state i never liked being involved.
i know EVRYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED IS MY FAULT...
i get that already.
i do not expect you guys to understand me because no one will fully understand someone not unless you are in same and exact situation as he/she does...
You are everything i wanted,
and more...