philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Monday, August 20, 2007
rise and fall of emotions 1:10 AM
this morning i have to wake up early to go to mass with my dad, which i didn't do so. (the waking up early part.) because i got to sleep at about 3 in the morning already.felt really sleepy because of the ambiance. slow, a bit dull, windy and cold. really the best time to concentrate and pray, if you got enough sleep... but i'm not telling i didn't got the chance to pray, well infact i did. thank God for another day with my family (my dad in particular, we had a date, we watched bourne ultimatum after the mass (: ) but he was a bit disappointed of me for having to sleep late last night which i never do when i study. (well, i get to wake up early naman when i study, because i'm finding it hard to study when i'm sleepy, hehe.) and i also got the chance to thank God for another chance of letting someone know that i love him.
today i don't really know how to express what i truly feel through words. maybe some of the pictures could help me vent my thoughts. these pictures were taken the night when we were talking about "us". when we talked about what i feel and what he has to ask and say, but not really what he thinks and feel about me. to be honest i wasn't really ready to hear what he got to say about me yet. i don't want us yet to argue nor to hear his blames. if ever he will, which i think he'll not.
here are the photos:
[yah. the other part of my heart belongs to you. like a puzzle that perfectly fits and will never be able to function and fit with anybody else's. and i'm sorry for hurting and having it broken.]
[yah. i'd mend it if you would just let me. LET ME. i'm sorry for having to tear it twice. i don't really know how to fix it, or how to start repairing it. all i can feel is that... just give me another chance to keep it again and put all my strength to hold on to it and never ever let go of it and never let anybody take it away from me again.]
[this is so not true. i never, NEVER said that i don't like you anymore. remember we never really got the chance to talk when we broke up. maybe i left you for a while, but i never said that i do not LOVE you anymore. because i know to my self that i'd lie if i said that. like what i've told you, if you were just there right infront of me when i was about to make that stupid, stupid decision this couldn't had happen.because you were everything i wanted jay. and i can NOT NOT like you.]
[the truth is i was really really confused. CONFUSION. there was a great battle in me. conflicted. me and myself arguing on why i have to hold on to you when you are far from me, far from being real when someone can be there for me, person who is just right infront of me, asking to give him a chance. but i was wrong for letting him do so. because i know that i still love you. you were still the person my heart beats for. and no one can really replace you... no one, not ever...]
[i don't know why it has to happen. there are some things that really happens with out us knowing, or see it comming, but then i guess all of this are just a test on how i really feel for you, it just hurt me to see you hurt this way too... and hurting you was really never my intention, i was just in the struggle of choosing between the one i love and the one who loves me. i could have fought for the person i love, because the person i love, loves me too. WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?? but instead i chose the other and see if something else could work out for me, but i guess i took a wrong turn that led me to where i am right now. i'm sorry if i have to drag you in this situation, you have no fault in this, you have always been understanding and loving...]
[i know i have hurted you. i don't know if i could take the pain away or you can just let someone else do the healing. either of which, i just want you to be happy, because you deserve to be. i'll just watch from afar. see how you do. and maybe if not to be chosen, love you without you loving me back...]
[do i still love you?? gosh, can't you see? i could die just to have you back. but i'm not about forcing ok. FOR HEAVEN's sake!! the question is a no-brainer. xempre i do!! i STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!]
[yah. so i said that i love him so much. got no response. but that's ok. i can still feel you, and like what i've said i don't really care what you feel for me now. all i want is for you to pay attention and see and feel how much i love you.] You are everything i wanted,
and more...