philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
how could he? 11:15 AM
i am so messed up right now. i don't even know where to start. yesterday was like hell, as always. ej and chillay were the only one who made me feel a bit better. eating was the same as gagging. i missed him of course. who am i kidding? yesterday the only thing that was running into my mind was that i wish this day could be over because i couldn't stand not looking at him or having a decent conversation when he was just inches away from me. i tried my best to keep my composure but guess what, of course, i was still and very much distracted. he was just at my back on my promotive preventive class and all i can hear was his voice, if only i could plug my ears so that i couldn't hear it and so that i couldn't expect that he might at least ask me what was going on. but of course nothing like that had happen. it was a plain and ordinary day just not having him around. my last class was an agony. fucking torture i swear. i told him that i don't want him anymore, because i do. i want to get over him. but i can not deny that i still have the feelings for him and that i am sad for i miss hanging around him, just sitting next to him. but i am willing to let things go. because us being together was never really easy for the both of us. i am willing to let go of the thing that makes me glad. but i am not happy of course. my heart aches for sadness. he was just right at my back. talking. laughing. and all psyched without any signs of pardon. at that moment i know i made the right decision...
its also funny how he never noticed my earring for the past months and almost a year. i've been wearing this earring since december and out of the blue just recently he told me that my new earring looks good and i was like "i've been wearing these earrings for forever" and all he could say was "sorry i never payed attention to your ear." really? as in really now? not even once the whole 10 months we've been together? why am i so shocked? YOU REALLY NEVER PAYED ATTENTION TO ME. never...
this monday i told him that i wanted to end things between us and all he can say was "if that's what you want." you let go of me for that second and now you're trying to call? what the fucking hell is wrong with you? and yesterday, no word was meant and uttered for you and all you can tell me was "kamote ka?" are you really convincing me that i am one? because you can't convince me enough. you're nothing for me from now on...
second day of wallowing over. future is coming so soon, where in i'd just laugh because i cried for something dumb and stupid...
ciao for now.
You are everything i wanted,
and more...