philopopsicle once exclusive, now accessible to anyone. don't convince yourself that just because you have read some of my bloggerings, it doesn't necessarily follow that you already know me as a person. most of the words written here are just a burst of an immense emotion that needs to find a decent way of break through. i may not write well as you think you do but what the hell, it is my blog. and for those who appreciate, gratitude is my sincere shot.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I needed to write. 9:04 PM
i was pondering all day if i'd write or not, because no matter how i focus on one thing i always end up staring at the vast air like some lunatic. yuck. i desperately need to release this offing emotions. i'm at some grieving stage right now for i've lost my favorite person. I think still in denial going to anger… but most probably in denial.
today, as i woke up… i tried to do something productive, went to the bank and then went to DMV and church and ate out with my mom and sisters and as i got home, sat in front of my computer trying to study… but still can't stop the urge of writing…
so now that i'm here
all the hurtful words came running on my mind like: "so should we end it?" really? after everything that has happened everything i have given? really? "baka naman pa nakita kita mukha ka nang trapo" what? tsssss…. (anger stage?) haha… i know i'm far from acceptance… but i'll get there…
is this what i wanted to hear from you?
thank you nalang.
~
MARICAR's Letter For Daddy
(read it and for sure you'd cry)
> My TRUE Valentine
> <>
>
> ‘You
> can’ t build up a family without dads and moms love,
> caress them when there
> their watching over you because Gods love is within
> them.’- Maricar Lerum
>
> Well
> Philip Lerum, Happy birthday ! I can’ t believe I’m not
> there But , I’ m always
> there to watch you blow your candles and put on that
> beautiful smile even if I’
> m not there physically . I miss you oh so dearly . Its like
> living with no food
> here. Its like having no arm to write with . Its like
> having to watch a movie
> blind . It sucks not to be there and tell you dad ‘ Happy
> birthday’ and give
> you a kiss on the cheek But thanks to technology ,
> everything’s changed (:
>
> Dad,
> thank you for all the biggest and smallest things you’ve
> made me receive . And
> sorry for being a typical teenager forcing you to buy me
> this and that .
>
> I
> want to thank you for making me feel a dad’s true love to
> his daughter. For
> holding my hand when crossing the streets, Watching over my
> teeth and telling
> me every night ‘Nag toothbrush ka na ba?’ and making me
> feel like a princess
> everyday of my life . For
> getting mad at me , because now I know my faults. For
> always agreeing with me even though I’m so wrong (: For
> reminding me everyday
> that you love me . For giving me your warmth when I’ m
> freezing cold. For
> always telling me things the ‘calm’ way. For teaching
> me about God . For
> caressing me when I’ m out of my mind.
>
> I
> can write a whole novel thanking you for all the things
> you’ve done to me .
> But, I know you know that I’ m very thankful to have the
> super dad that everyone asks for
> .
>
> I
> can’ t imagine a better dad then you . <3>
> me and giving me Gods
> love .
>
> OH
> DADDY DADDY DADDY ! I love you so so so so so much
> .
>
> -February
> 8.2010 [Maricar]
>
>
>
> Oh
> what a day !. It was pouring hail today. My shoes were
> soaked with all kinds of
> evaporated water that the sun absorbs through the clouds.
> Pee, spit, water put
> together to make nasty nasty rain . It was atypical because
> I never really saw
> or felt hail .
>
> Well
> I remember last year the first day you spent with me. I
> remember it was raining
> that day and I didn’t go to school because I wanted to
> stay up late and laugh
> as you and ate jhoi told the most funniest things I’ve
> heard .
>
> Today
> , reminded me of that day because when I was at school for
> my hip hop classes.I
> called you letting you know that I wanted to be picked up
> and brought home dry
> so showing me you were a great dad YOU DID. And I never got
> the chance to say
> thank you for bringing me home safely and dry .
>
>
> One
> thing I always remember about you . Is constantly asking me
> ‘ How was my day or
> Kamusta ka na ?’ those questions belt a great bonding
> with me and you .
>
> Recently
> no one has asked me that since you left so now, I ask mommy
> how was work because that
> specific question reminded me
> that daddy always asked me this , I want people to feel
> that there loved and
> cared about because you made me feel that way , because
> even though my day was
> dull you still listened to me . thank you so much . and HOW
> WAS YOUR DAY TODAY
> DAD ?
>
> HAPPY
> BIRTHDAY DAD ! iloveyou<3>
>
> [February
> 9, 2010]- Maricar.
>
>
>
> I
> didn’t have the chance to write this day , but I love you
> oh so dearly .
>
> Happy
> Birthday Pader <3>
>
> [February
> 10,2010]
>
>
>
> I’
> m so, so tired right now dad .
> School is
> the biggest headache ever. I don’ t know what it is about
> school that makes it
> oh so damn hard .
>
> I’
> m really sleepy and I remember I would snuggle around your
> big tommy and be comfortable as
> clouds of heaven as my
> pillow . Now as I look through the bed I only see boring
> dumb ORDINARY pillows
> . Everday makes me miss you because of the things you did .
> The feeling you
> made me feel and most importantly to feel the love I always
> asked for .
>
> Sometimes
> I wished that the phillippines was just a doorstep away so
> that when I need
> you. I go over and tell you all the most stupid things
> I’ve done, just like my
> real diary .
>
> I
> miss you everyday dad .
>
> Buti
> pa sila jet atchaka si ate Jhoi palagi katabi mo. Buisit
> haha .
>
> [February
> 12, 2010]
>
> “Happy
> Birthday to you, Your one year older, and you look younger
> .” lol.
>
> Happy
> Birthday best dad ever . Since America Is one day behind
> Ill write this in your
> Original Birthday and also Happy Valentines.
>
> Another
> day to say I love you !
>
> Sometimes
> I wonder What it feels like to have no dad. And that vision
> not having you for
> all my years to come .Just makes my ambiance feel so
> horrible . That it will be
> impossible to be who I am today without your fatherly
> support . Holding my hand
> through all the steps to become a role model just like what
> you’ve showed me .
>
> To
> me you’re my dad, friend, teacher, cook, diary, maid,
> taga laba, taga sigaw,
> comforter, taga bili , my blanket and everything else I
> could imagine . To me
> your one of the most important person . Next would be mommy
> and my makulit na
> siblings.
>
> I
> can’ t ever imagine not spending my life without you . It
> would be like walking
> in broken glass and all this heart aching pain .
>
>
> I
> wrote you this because I wanted to let you know that
> without you, its like
> living without anything in the world. Ever since the day
> you left. I felt like
> I was walking by myself, like I had no guide to anything .
> Its crazy how one
> person can be a big part of your life . I hate the fact
> that sometimes I took
> you for granted, and I promised myself not to be the person
> I swore to be .
> Now, that your not here I’ m breaking that .
>
> But
> you see , Just talking to me in the phone telling me all
> this things about the
> Philippines reminds me that I have to
> make you and mommy happy , not always disappointed
> and feel a little bit
> of dismay about me .
>
> Mommy
> always told me that parents are a show of God’s love, Now
> that I know what she
> meant . It means the whole world to make you and mom happy
> . Its difficult for
> me thow because I have to make adjustments with my actions
> and its difficult to
> let someone you became just be thrown away . But, all of these are for the good of
> everyone
> .
>
> Dad
> , I love you so much and I know that actions speak louder
> than words but, for
> this case the only way I show you I really love you is by
> telling you in words
> . It sucks not growing old with you haha.
>
> I
> always try to look for this valentines day crap but, I
> haven’t opened my eyes
> and realize that my real valentine is you . My dad. Thank
> you for giving me
> life, for making me be who I want to be even though
> sometimes what we choose are
> the worst. I guess you made us feel the basic mistakes and
> consequences any one
> can make .
>
> I
> also thank your mom for teaching you about the world
> because you passed that
> knowledge to me.
>
> You’ve
> made a difference in my world , and because of that I
> can’t thank you enough .
> Youv’e done the best job as a dad . Worked hard for us
> and made us the greatest
> people we can be .
>
> I
> would blurt out a bad word but that would be un-formal,
> because your love and
> your guidance is the craziest thing I’ve ever
> received and I can’t express
> myself without that word . Los Angeles society sucks at
> their vocabulary. Now,
> I can’t express myself correctly hahhaaha .
>
> I
> wanted to give you this letter , and maybe later on write
> you a whole novel
> because I wanted you to feel special today and feel special
> everyday , I wanted
> to make you smile or even cry when you read it .
>
>
> Nag
> papasalamat po ako sa manga tamang Gawain na tinuro nyo sa
> akin . My life would
> be a mess and worthless piece of trash without you . I love
> you dad and Happy
> Birthday and Valentines day
> .
>
> Love,
> Your daughter Maricar lerum
You are everything i wanted,
and more...